


Undertow

by dirtyretro



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Drug Addiction, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-10-07 14:39:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10362672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtyretro/pseuds/dirtyretro
Summary: In which self-destructive, high school math teacher Kihyun gets too caught up in the undertow of his own life that he doesn't see how close he is to drowning.





	1. Because I Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stumble into you  
> Is all I ever do  
> My memory's hazy  
> And I'm afraid to be alone  
> Tear us in two  
> Is all it's gonna do  
> As the headache fades  
> This house is no longer a home"  
> \- [Because I Want You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4ePbXcrENU), Placebo

Kihyun’s skin was white like milk. Smooth, cool to the touch. Refreshing on the tastebuds like a splash of fresh coconut milk; rejuvenating and organic and pure. The blue and green webs of veins, the highway of his blood supply, were undisguised and tantalizing under their opaque barrier. In the far reaches of his extremities, a slight pink tinged his fingertips and toes, and even the tips of his sharp hipbones and curved clavicles were baby pink. He looked soft and delicious, cloud-like to the touch, creamy to the taste, heaven to the ears when he’d cry out.

When he was bitten, Kihyun’s flesh would split open like soft butter, swelling an angry red as little punctures instantly pooled with the deep crimson of his blood. He reacted beautifully to scratch marks as well, milky skin marred with prominent, inflamed red streaks. His alpha, Hyunwoo, liked to claw him methodically, liked to see how deeply he’d have to scratch for blood to bubble up in tiny beads along thread-thin slices, liked to compare subtle beadlets with steady bleeding.

As a beta, Kihyun had the most sensitive sense of smell out of any dynamic. Alphas and omegas, though equipped with a keen sense of smell by nature, were designed to react most instinctively to hormones. Betas weren’t victims of their own biology in that way; they were victims in other ways, but that wasn’t crucial to the current moment. The smell of aged copper, the sweet metallic pungency, filling his nostrils and permeating his mind was far more jarring, far more important here and now.

His bodily response was instantaneous _—_ the fraction of a moment for a neurotransmitter to cross a synapse _—_ and his instincts spun him into overdrive.

“Isn’t it interesting how your blood looks green below yet red above?” Hyunwoo rasped in a deep rumble, lips stained by the blood oozing from Kihyun’s flesh, enraptured by literal bloodlust. “Oxygen is an interesting element,” the alpha added as he audibly inhaled the intoxicating metallic scent. Blood and coconut milk, the mixed scents of his mewling beta.

They often played like this. Alphas couldn’t treat an omega like this, at least not without inevitable repercussions. Alpha and omega relationships were complicated; anything involving hormones was. Omegas were gentle and sensitive by design, meant to complete the biological dichotomy of their species and therefore meant to fuck and breed. No one said biology was romantic, just practical and necessary for the survival of their kind.

But Hyunwoo had a penchant for violence, for rough play, for venting his inborn aggression in the form of biting and scratching.

Alphas were created with elevated power, but with great power came great weakness. An alpha’s weakness was the same as an omegas _—i_ _nstincts_. Ruts, bouts of hormonal mood swings, susceptibility to environmental influences were shortcomings of an alpha.

Who was Kihyun to deny his alpha of his natural tendencies?

Especially when it hurt _so good_ to be his chewtoy.

Especially when it was _so fun_ to instigate.

Their relationship was complicated, but whose wasn’t? They fell in love early, and, overcome with delusional teenage love, Kihyun was marked by Hyunwoo’s alpha bite before he was nineteen. A love tainted by hollow lust, forever hindered from the maturation of a conscience, healthy adult relationship. The mark of an alpha was a bite punctured into the scent gland in the nape of the neck, where fangs plunged so deep into the skin that the disturbed skin healed as a nasty, jaw-shaped scar. In most relationships, it was an incredibly intimate, beautiful act of claiming each other for eternity, of bonding as soulmates. It was like that for them, too. Intimate and sensual and absolute nirvana…

Until they grew up and realized that relationships _weren’t_ just about sex and love _—_ they were about trust, loyalty, respect, devotion, and compassion. Try as they might to leave each other, they couldn’t. The bond was strong, physical, and like two polarized ends of magnets, they gravitated toward each other despite all efforts.

Kihyun and Hyunwoo had that possessive, toxic, but madly passionate eros; two tormentors bound mercilessly together by the raw poison of hate-in-love. 

Love wasn’t always beautiful.

Sometimes, it was ugly.

+ 

Kihyun met Hyunwoo in high school. Ninth grade, specifically, though Hyunwoo was in tenth grade at the time. Shortly after confessing their attraction to one another in the sweat and piss stench of the boy’s locker room after gym one day, Kihyun bumped into Minhyuk. Literally, the two collided in the hallway _—_ Kihyun scoffed at the super apologetic blond beta and the super apologetic blond beta somehow turned the situation into what romantic comedies considered a meet-cute. Nothing romantic ever developed between the two, but the super apologetic blond who they came to know as Minhyuk eventually hung around Hyunwoo and Kihyun.

Minhyuk made friends with everyone. _Everyone._ So it came as no surprise when he started inviting two underclassmen he met in band class, Jooheon and Changkyun, to the gang. Kihyun was reluctant, Hyunwoo was indifferent, Minhyuk was excited, but eventually the five of them formed some sort of eclectic crew of all dynamics _—_ omega, beta, and alpha. They were the talk of the school, but it was because they were all misfits.

Graduation came. Hyunwoo floundered about (not his word, Kihyun’s) for six months until he made the decision to attend fire academy. When Kihyun graduate a year later, he went to college to pursue a career in mathematics (becoming a teacher was a choice he made later in his collegiate career). Minhyuk went to the same vocational school as Hyunwoo and graduated with a certificate in IT. Jooheon and Changkyun moved in together and made a living serving tables before falling into bartending by happenstance.

In an effort of making the humdrum cycles of adult life more interesting and less depressing, always-optimistic Minhyuk rallied his former band pals together to establish a _real_ band. Because that was what former band kids did, they formed ska bands. Sure, Minhyuk grew up to work in IT by day, but at night he reverted to his high school band geek ways and played a wicked trombone solo. Coupled with Changkyun, the weirdo with the deep voice and razorblade jawline who played bone deep bass chords, and Jooheon, the loveable goofball who shredded his cherry red Gibson until his fingertips bled, the trio quickly became the local favorite.

They called themselves Sneaker Mutiny. They were epic.

And they were the bright spot in all the darkness.

+

Outside of a ratty venue Sneaker Mutiny played at, Hyunwoo and Kihyun smoked in the parking lot by their car. Hyunwoo smoked when he was stressed, but Kihyun only smoked for the meager high. They’d been drinking, Kihyun more than the alpha, and the essence of vodka lingering on his lips soaked into the paper of the cigarette each time the beta took a drag. For a high school math teacher, he looked quite the mess _—_ pink hair askew, milky skin made rosy from the alcohol, eyes glossy. Kihyun exhaled through his nose and flicked the tip of the Marlboro with his fingertip, the ash dissipating into the rain-drenched asphalt at his feet. His eyes turned gold when he drank, all pretty with flecks of bronze and copper, and with shiny eyes he watched his alpha take another drag.

Hyunwoo didn’t indulge as much as his lover, especially since he had an early start at the firehouse tomorrow. The alpha was a firefighter _—_ he fit the description of brawny and diligent _—_ and looked damn fine in uniform. He locked eyes with his beta and raised a brow in response, exhaling slowly to allow for the other to speak. For an alpha, his demeanor was usually casual and quiet, the type that preferred to let others speak so he could listen. He’d never admit it, but Kihyun liked that about him.

“You’re leaving tomorrow?” Kihyun muttered as he cast his gaze out to the distance. A car pulled into the empty space next to them, and Kihyun squinted at the sudden flash of headlights. Hyunwoo nodded, flicking the end of his cigarette. “For how long?”

“Four days.”

Kihyun took another drag, still looking in the distance. “Does that mean you’re gonna bite me?” Demeanor casual despite instigating words.

“Hmm?” Hyunwoo mushed his half-finished cigarette into the ground, tiny sparks scattering like fireflies in the atmosphere of night. He leaned against their car, and it shifted from the sudden addition of his weight. He crossed his arms over his broad chest.

“You always get aggressive with me right before you go. Like you’re trying to mark me up so no one can have me,” Kihyun said between an exhale, smoke punctuating his sentences. “It’s hard to hide from the students, you know? They keep asking me, ‘ _Mr. Yoo, why are you so fucked up?_ ’” There was a slight chuckle to his voice, weird and unfitting of the moment, and it irritated Hyunwoo.

“Why are you being like this right now?” Hyunwoo’s steady voice asked, though it was obvious he was annoyed. The beta acted out like this when Hyunwoo left to work for a while _—_ Kihyun wasn’t the type to savor solitude _—_ but the alcohol was definitely hardening his attitude.

Kihyun traced the hem of his blue shirt with his fingertip, slowly dragging it along the stitching until he reached the structure of his collarbone. He drew outward, pulling the thin fabric to the side to expose the milk white skin of his clavicle. “You don’t want me?” he teased, cigarette pinned between his middle and pointer fingers, smoke swirling from the burning tip.

So pretty, so petty.

Hyunwoo watched the beta with curious eyes; he couldn’t help it, Kihyun was always so beautiful, even when he was being _intolerable._  His alpha presence was typically strong, but he felt his hormones surge the moment Kihyun’s coconut scent entered his nostrils. Always honest, Hyunwoo replied, “I always want you.”

“Oh?” Kihyun closed in on Hyunwoo, pressing their bodies together and pinning the taller man against the car. He submissively nuzzled into the alpha’s neck, groaning at the assault of bergamot and spiced citrus. A hand gripped tightly at the fabric on the shoulder of Hyunwoo’s white shirt, stretching the material into a twist. Then, the beta licked a fat stripe up Hyunwoo’s jugular and settled just below his jawline, and with bloodshot eyes and a rancid breath of cigarettes and Vodka, Kihyun whispered, “Then why don’t you show me?”

God dammit. Every time. Every _fucking_ time. No matter the situation, no matter what shit Kihyun incited between the two (like opening the loneliness vein), he always resorted to sex. He knew Hyunwoo couldn’t resist him, especially when he smelled so fucking sweet, especially when he threw himself at the alpha. He knew, too, that he’d always get his way when after they fucked.

That was when Hyunwoo, the alpha, was the most softhearted. That was also when Kihyun felt most powerful over the alpha, through exploitation of his softheartedness. He had a tendency to make the alpha feel bad, almost guilty, for hurting him. And, as a result, Kihyun would feel justified in his own feelings. That was their self-destructive dynamic _—_ Kihyun perceived Hyunwoo’s absences, work related or not, as a way of avoiding or abandoning him because he secretly hates the beta for ruining his happy alpha-and-omega white picket fence life; as a result, Kihyun wallowed in a bottomless pit of despair and harmful self-loathing, never hesitating to openly blame Hyunwoo for his own feelings.

In reality, the beta liked to be marked just as much as the alpha liked to mark. He wanted to be bleeding, bruised, swollen, and in pain _—_ he felt alive when he was hurt, he felt loved when he was hurt. He wanted to get away, but he wanted to be closer. A true romantic disguised as a masochist in denial of his own harmful coping mechanism.

It didn’t help that Hyunwoo was the quiet type, the type to bottle everything inside, which only perpetuated Kihyun’s disillusioned view of their relationship. Maybe if he hurt the alpha enough, he’d provoke him to say _something_.

But as it stood now, Hyunwoo always reacted the same way: instinctual action.

With Kihyun’s coconut scent enshrouding the alpha, and his soft, malleable body pressed against him, Hyunwoo grabbed Kihyun’s wrist holding the Marlboro and pulled it to his own lips. He took a drag and held it in until Kihyun instinctively craned his neck up from its spot of pressing little, open mouthed kisses on the rim of the alpha’s jaw. Their lips touched gently, just enough for Hyunwoo to exhale the smoke into Kihyun’s parted, pink lips. The alpha then sealed their lips together, forcing the beta to exhale the residual smoke out of his nostrils.

The stench of smoke and Vodka on Kihyun’s breath dissipated against Hyunwoo’s tongue, and the once prominent smell of coconut was overpowered by citrus and bergamot. The alpha was scenting his mate because they were in public, after all, and Hyunwoo didn’t like sharing. From the hungry, horny looks of the other alphas outside of the venue, Hyunwoo felt the need to take his beta home.

Lay him down, bite him, scratch him, bleed him, scent him, and if he was lucky, Kihyun would let Hyunwoo hold him as they slept. Because the alpha wouldn’t be there in the morning, he’d have left for work, and Kihyun would have to deal with the crushing loneliness of mundane routine and bratty, insufferable high school students.

+

Nine ‘o clock in the morning. Birds chirping outside, the soft caress of the morning sun spilling in from the slits in the blinds, cozy blankets wrapped around half-naked bodies, and all those other morningtime clichés. When were mornings ever like that?

 _How ‘bout a reboot:_ Nine ‘o clock in the morning.  Kihyun’s hand smashed the snooze button on the wretched alarm, causing it to crash to the floor from the sudden force. He didn’t actually hit the snooze button, so now the alarm clock was loud _and_ on the floor out of arm’s reach. Yeah, that’s what weekday mornings were usually like. Godawful, abrupt, problematic were more accurate descriptors to the morningtime cliché.

Another problem, though, was that it was a Saturday morning, not a weekday morning. Saturday mornings were their own issue and for entirely different reasons. Saturday morning marked the start of the weekend. Translation: weekends were lonely, long, and depressing.

Saturday mornings were for cartoons and banana pancakes. Saturday mornings weren’t for waking up alone in a big, empty bed. When Hyunwoo officially graduated from Fire Academy and started leaving for days at a time, Kihyun developed the bad habit of waking up late and not getting out of bed until noon at the earliest. That way he could sleep through the soft glow of morningtime and not be reminded of the lack of Saturday morning cartoons or banana pancakes. Instead, he could cut out the unsatisfactory snippets of his life by sleeping through them. Less hours in a day meant less hours of being aware of how lonely he was.

Rolling out of bed in the eunni of an afternoon wasn’t the only bad habit Kihyun developed.

Smoking marijuana could hardly be considered bad, but using it to fill the void of loneliness and boredom was more detrimental than he’d care to admit. But it made the dullness of his life more interesting, filled in the blasé with fits of laughter and lots of snacks. It was _easy_ , too _—_ it was easy to do because it was easy to _get_. Kihyun was a high school math teacher for Christ’s sake, he was surrounded with good connections. Good connections with good weed.

So he spent his nights soaking in a hot bath infused with mint and eucalyptus oils. The bottle said the herbs were excellent for stress relief, but truthfully he only used them because their aroma was strong enough to mask the pungent smoke of each exhale from his pipe. The lights were off, the only source of light flickering from a few mostly used-up candles he found lying around the apartment and occasionally from the spark of his lighter when he’d light up his pipe. Music played softly from the Spotify app on his cellphone in the background.

The sound of trickling water echoed against the tiled walls of the tiny bathroom as he slicked back his hair with a wet hand. Kihyun relaxed into the tub, head falling back just slightly as he exhaled. The smoke dissipated quickly into the moist air _—_ the loose, gaseous hydrogen molecules globbing onto the oxygen in the carbon dioxide of his exhale. Science was cool, why wasn’t he a science teacher? Oh yeah, science was complex. Math, however...math was neat, orderly, and accurate.

 _Chirp~_ The peace was shattered like a pane of glass, and Kihyun jolted. The song was interrupted midway, and now the energy was lost to the KakaoTalk chime. _Chirp, chirp~_ Kihyun’s eyebrows furrowed and his cheeks reddened as his temper surged. Could he just have some peace? Wait, what if it was Hyunwoo? Water swished as he sat up and reached for his phone, scoffing upon seeing the sender: Minhyuk. The boy was endearing even to Kihyun, but his timing was atrocious.

 

 **[Minhyukie] 22:38:** hey kihyunnie~~  
**[Minhyukie] 22:39:** hyunnie, r u coming 2 the show on tues nite??  
**[Minhyukie] 22:39:** if u love me… 

 **[You] 22:41:** Yeah?   
**[You] 22:41:** Don’t I always?

 **[Minhyukie] 22:45:** yeah, just checking   
**[Minhyukie] 22:45:** how r u doing btw?

 **[You] 22:46:** Fine?

 **[Minhyukie] 22:48:** idk u seemed off at the show last wk

 **[You] 22:50:** I was drunk, Minhyuk

 **[Minhyukie] 22:52:** tru  
**[Minhyukie] 22:53:** be nice to hyunwoo hyung, hes my bff

 **[You] 22:55:** And I’m not?  
**[You] 22:55:** Ofc I will  
**[You] 22:56:** For the record, I had him first 

 

Kihyun tossed his phone away from the tub and sighed. Music crooned from the still-open Spotify app that was unbefitting of the mood _—_ the playlist must’ve changed when the phone landed in a pile of his discarded clothes. He was seriously grateful for his friends, and especially Minhyuk for maintaining a chipper attitude despite Kihyun’s deep rooted negativity. Maybe one day he wouldn’t feel guilty for their selfless friendship. Maybe one day he, too, would be selfless.

He looked at his phone as several white KakaoTalk bubbles flooded the screen. Minhyuk.

Maybe one day Kihyun wouldn't regret everything he said mere moments after he said them; recounting each sentence and each word as if it were the worst possible thing to have said in the moment, even if it were considered normal conversation to an outsider. _‘be nice to hyunwoo hyung, hes my bff’ —‘And I’m not?’_ Hah, insecurity played off with a cute emoji, good call. Minhyuk probably thought nothing of it _—_ after all, they were just playfully chatting. But there was no way in Hell Kihyun’s depression was going to permit him to _feel okay_ about something, ever.

He slunk back into the warm eucalyptus broth. Did people analyze themselves like this? Did people hyperscrutinize themselves like this? Would this transcend insipid hypercriticalness of the self, delving instead into the piteous pool of supposed self-actualization? Kihyun clicked his lighter to pull another drag out of his pipe, but the lighter fizzled into nothingness; he clicked it a few more times, growing increasingly more irritated at the consistently diminishing sparks.

Irked, he threw the empty lighter against the wall. He’d have to remember to buy a new one at the gas station tomorrow. Tomorrow. _Yeah_ , tomorrow.

+

Running to the convenience store at one o'clock in the morning on a Sunday was never a sign of someone having their life together. Kihyun's mom always told him nothing good happened after midnight, and she was right. Of course, when the intention was just to get a brand new lighter, a pack of smokes, and a Monster for the morning, thinking of all the bad things that could happen never really crossed the mind. So when Kihyun hopped out of his car and pulled his blue beanie lower over his forehead, the pink tufts of hair puffing out in a cute, boyish way, to cross the grimy parking lot, he didn't notice the sketchy drug deal taking place in the shadows of the building just left of the ice machine.  
  
Even in the flickering, yellow light inside the uncleaned store, Kihyun kept to himself as he wandered to the back refrigerated aisles to get a Monster. Maybe it was just the weed in his system, but he felt an overwhelming urge to snatch a 99-cent cherry pie on the walk back up to the front of the store. He waited in line absentmindedly, eyes scanning the assorted candies and treats conveniently placed by the cashier in case of impulse buys. When it was his turn, he spoke in uncoordinated sentences _—_ ' _yeah, Marlboro Reds. No... no, the Reds. Reds. Yeah,_ those _, thank you_ ’ _—_ as he rolled his eyes and grabbed a purple Bic lighter. He paid in cash and left the store, digging his hands deep into his pockets as he dipped his head low and ventured through the parking lot back to his car.  
  
"Need something?"  
  
Kihyun glanced up, confused. There was a guy, slender and much taller than himself, leaning against his car. He felt his temper flare through him. Who the hell did guy think he was leaning against someone else’s vehicle? "Uh, get the hell away from my car?" His tone was more of a rhetorical sneer than a passive aggressive offer.  
  
The tall person laughed, his voice lilting, and Kihyun was relieved at the absence of an alpha tone. In fact, his aura was fairly neutral; he must be a beta. Admittedly, the beta was handsome and charming, with large lips and round eyes, but it was one in the fucking morning and Kihyun didn't have time to entertain junkies. "I don't have any money. Please leave." He fussed with his car keys, the metal clanking together in a way that conveyed Kihyun's nervousness in the situation.  
  
"I'm not asking for money," the tall guy said, voice smooth like honey. "Name's Hyungwon," he added. The glint of the neon store sign painted his face an opaque green color. It reminded Kihyun of something his mom made all the time... tea, green tea. Hyungwon smelled like green tea. Not traditional green tea and honey, but more like matcha, more like _chlorophyll_. Like fresh raindrops and chlorophyll. Damp, but _fresh_ damp? Maybe all the marijuana was tampering with Kihyun’s cognition because he’d never spent so long analyzing a stranger’s scent _—_ especially not another beta’s scent.

"You look like someone who knows how to have a good time. You catch my drift?" Hyungwon was cool and collected, his demeanor an accurate representation of the way he dressed _—_ simple, sophisticated, odd. Yeah, a trench coat at a convenience store at one in the morning on a Sunday was odd. 'Specially in this town.  
  
Kihyun's eyebrows furrowed, misreading the situation. Did he seriously look that high? Sure, he hot-boxed in the car on the drive over, but he doused himself in cologne and popped some bubblegum in his mouth. Were his eyes that red and glossy? _Shit._ "I don't know what you're talking about, man," Kihyun confessed, albeit a false confession, and promptly slipped into the driver's seat of his car.  
  
Hyungwon reached a hand out to stop the car door from closing. "I'm not a narc, dude," he reassured, and Kihyun relaxed back into the car seat with a slight sigh of relief. Hyungwon leaned in towards the irritated, pink haired beta, grinning all the while. "I got connections. I sell blues, Percs, grade A bars, you name it…" His smile widened like the age-old Cheshire cliche, his beta fangs prominent in the pearliness of his teeth. "If you need the hookup, you can find me here on Sunday nights. Bring money next time," Hyungwon explained as he retracted his grip on the car door and stepped back. He crossed his arms over his slender chest and chuckled to himself, "...hah, _see_ , now I'm actually asking for money."  
  
Kihyun grimaced. This guy would be a drug dealer. He was a total creep and had nerve approaching a stranger at a gas station talking like _that._  Grimace still on lock, Kihyun slammed shut his car door and left the parking lot with a nasty, burning rubber screech of his tires.

+

Monday nights weren't much better. In some ways, they were worse. Slinking out of bed before the sun even rose, putting up with a bunch of high school brats complaining about the inevitable uselessness of advanced mathematics in their adult life, then falling to the couch upon returning home to an empty apartment was in no way thrilling. Humdrum cycle of life with extra doses of loneliness and solitude minus emotional comfort and fun; a fragmentation of social identity, a case study for the late Émile Durkheim.  
  
Kihyun found the energy to roll a joint and kick off his shoes, so he slunk back on the couch with his legs parted at the knees. Hyunwoo returned home tomorrow. Tomorrow he couldn't smoke marijuana so freely in the house because ' _a firefighter's lungs can't be tarnished with illegal substances_ ' (Kihyun said it mockingly in Hyunwoo's voice in his head, and made the counterargument of ' _but you smoke cigarettes like all those eighth graders represented in health education textbooks_ ' in his own shrill Mr. Yoo lecture voice).  
  
Despite all the bitching he did in his high about Hyunwoo, he truly missed his alpha. He always did. That was the source of his pain, if the source was at all traceable… or at all blamable. Maybe mocking him was cathartic for a minute or two, but the pain always returned. Always. The pain used to disappear when Hyunwoo returned home from work, but it has become such a permanent part of Kihyun's being that even Hyunwoo's presence doesn’t alleviate the pain.

That was why they fucked they way they did.  
  
Interestingly, firefighters had a tendency to not answer any calls. For a pack of muscleheads who made a living responding to calls, the irony was not lost on Kihyun. Still, here he was sitting criss-cross on his couch high as a kite waiting through the dialtones until Hyunwoo, his squad, or someone answered the line. He wasn't calling on the emergency line, but goddamn he was always tempted to. His loneliness was an emergency, right? Calling his boyfriend to just to hear the grunt of his voice when he cums during phone sex was an emergency, right?  
  
_‘We're sorry, but the Seoul Fire Rescue Squad #244 is unavailable to take your call. Please hang up and try again. In case of emergency, please dial 911, extension #611. Thank you.’_  
  
Of fucking course they weren't available. Fucking out saving lives. Of course. Kihyun threw his phone across the room. It crashed against the wall, the impact forcing the plastic casing to pop off. Great.  
  
His scars always ached when this happened; his scars from the night before Hyunwoo left ached. They felt like miniature tracts of fire setting his body ablaze one nerve ganglion at a time. The pain reminded him of Hyunwoo's touch, of his alpha dominance, of his desire for scratching and biting and ravaging Kihyun's body. Fuck, now he was hard. He popped the button of his pants, unzipped them, and grabbed his throbbing dick with needy hands. He thought of Hyunwoo and his large, tanned body and his spiced citrus scent and his sharp, sharp teeth. He pinched his nipples and traced the fire hot scars until his orgasm boiled through him like a Halloween witch’s brew, and when he wiped his ejaculate off his abdomen, he took a drag of his joint to take the edge off.

+

The venue Sneaker Mutiny played at Tuesday night was much nicer than last week’s venue. For one thing, there was an actual stage. Granted, it was very, very tiny and it poorly accommodated their bulky instruments and sound equipment, but it was an improvement nonetheless. Luckily they weren't a standard seven piece ska band, or else they'd have to cope with the severe lack of elbow room (which wouldn’t work at all because Minhyuk bounced around on the stage during his trombone solos). The backdrop of the stage was dark, the decaying brick wall hidden behind a black curtain, but the wrinkles in the curtain were amplified by the bright spotlights peppered on the ceiling. A blinding shine reflected off of the brass of Minhyuk’s trombone, arched like a rainbow across the stage only to refract in the cherry color of Jooheon’s guitar. And on that cue, a heavy bassline was strummed, Jooheon plucked a note, and Minhyuk sounded off the verse with bold, brassy tunes.

Occasionally during their set, the lights flashed orange, green, and purple to no particular pattern, and the lack of synchronization with the rhythm of their music established a sort of chaotic aura on the stage. That’s what happened at local venues. Part of the charm. It wasn't a big deal, honestly. Most people in the audience were swaying to their own rhythms anyway.

Changkyun liked to play an amusing game when Sneaker Mutiny performed: since he was the bassist and the orchestrator of rhythm for each song, he liked to observe how many people were off beat. He grouped them into convenient categories: beer drinkers, hard liquor drinkers, and wine drinkers.

Beer drinkers swayed slightly; they were usually the calm type that drank something fermented because it was the classic thing to do at a show. Beer drinkers were people like Hyunwoo. Changkyun laughed to himself as he finally noticed Hyunwoo in the crowd. Typically, he anchored himself to the outer limits of the crowd, usually hanging out in the corner undisturbed by drunk dancing and high pitched laughter. Tonight, however, he was sitting at the bar next to Kihyun as the beta swigged back a shot of liquor the pretty blonde bartender gave him.  
  
Which brought Changkyun to the next type of person: the hard liquor drinkers. Mixed drinks, on the rocks, neat; it didn't matter. All liquor drinkers rolled their body to the bassline, accenting the hard thrums with a sharp snap of their hips. They occupied the front of the dance floor, giggling and hiccuping their amusement by staring up at the band with glossy, saucer wide eyes. For some reason, there seemed to be a correlation between hard liquor and beta dynamics. Maybe it was because they didn't experience the hormonal extremes like alphas and omegas did, so they added flavor to their lives by slamming down another brisk whiskey. Changkyun smirked as he watched Kihyun swig another shot, then toss his head back in a roar of laughter as Hyunwoo sat like a boulder next to him, sipping his beer calmly.  
  
The last type were wine drinkers. Sneaker Mutiny didn't really play shows that wine drinkers frequented. Ska music wasn't really the sophisticated, mature vibe of a wine drinker. Ironically, Changkyun was the wine drinking type. Made sense, really, on account of wine drinkers being the most fluid of all the types. They didn't sway, they didn't dance wildly, but they sure knew how to flow to a beat. Much like Changkyun now, who was playing his bass with callused fingertips and rocking his body to the funky bass line he created; he bopped his head to the music and winked at the drunken omega women and men fawning over his under achiever/bassist in an _okay_ local band alpha vibe.

For some reason, he always caught Jooheon glancing over at him during these solo bass breakdowns, but he never thought too much into it. Jooheon was an omega after all, his inability to resist an alpha’s allure couldn't be helped anyway, right? That's probably all it was, right?  
  
At the bar, Kihyun planted a wet kiss to Hyunwoo's cheek, then leaned back sheepishly. His pretty white skin was flushed red from the alcohol in his system, and his motor skills were sloppy and grabby. He twisted on the bar stool so he could watch Sneaker Mutiny play. Hyunwoo, finishing the last sip of his beer, pushed the empty bottle towards the bartender and motioned for her. She came instantly, as most people usually did when an alpha beckoned them. With a pretty, mild-mannered smile, she took his empty bottle and fetched another one. The cap popped off with a pressurized fizzle, and she demurely offered him the bottle. Hyunwoo accepted it graciously, but was clearly uncomfortable by the extremely obvious release of omega hormones rolling off of her in thick, tsunami caliber waves.  
  
The pretty bartender tucked a golden curl behind her ear and rested her elbows on the bar top; she rested her chin in the palm of her hand and stared dreamily at the handsome alpha in front of her. She was attractive and doe-eyed, with a tiny waist and large lips, and judging by her soft lavender scent, she was a single omega looking to mate. "I'm Wheein," she said in a feminine voice, and the lilt of it fluttered through the air and pierced Kihyun's eardrums like a wasp sting.  
  
Then he caught a whiff of strong, strong lavender. His eyebrows furrowed and his temper flared. Was she really trying to pick up Hyunwoo? In front of his mate? Did she not see a beta as a threat? Bitch. Kihyun spun around and looped a finger through the d-ring of Hyunwoo's leather jacket, tugging on it like a desperate small child until Hyunwoo looked at him. The alpha, not usually the type to openly engage in confrontation, simply shrugged. To him this was nothing. To him, this probably happened all the time. He was a total catch, all muscles and tan skin and attractive scent. Kihyun, though, never encountered these flatteries, and when they happened to his alpha, who acted so coolly, he felt unimportant and unattractive. So, naturally, he reacted outwardly.  
  
Aggravated and overcome with possessiveness and jealousy, Kihyun snatched the bottle of beer from Hyunwoo hand and splashed it all over Wheein. She gasped at the shock, but her shocked quickly intensified into pure anger. A slew of nasty words flew out of her pink glossed lips, but before she could lash out physically, Kihyun excused himself from the bar and went outside.  
  
Kihyun was drunk, yes, but definitely wasn't out of line for acting that way, right? Why the fuck couldn't Hyunwoo deny her? With a shaky hand, he lit a cigarette and took a long, deep drag. He was outside with all of the others smokers, but he paced back and forth to quell his nerves. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Before he knew it, he'd sucked up half his cigarette. He was enshrouded in a smoky veil, but for some reason it helped clear his headspace. Why was he cursed to be a beta? Why did no one in this fucking world respect a beta? Hell, not even other betas respected other betas.  
  
"Whoa, you better calm down, hyung. I can smell you from the van," Changkyun said in his deep timbre voice. Sneaker Mutiny was on break, so Changkyun slipped out the back door to smoke by the band's van. An alpha with a keen sense of smell, and one who quickly identified a longtime friend's scent, he sniffed out Kihyun's location.  
  
"For a world composed nearly seventy five percent of betas, you'd think there'd be a lot more fucking respect for each other in this world!" Kihyun responded, taking another drag, still pacing.  
  
"Why don't you come back to the van, huh?" Changkyun said as he plucked the spent cigarette from Kihyun's fingers. He held it up to look at it with feigned scrutiny, then smirked at a still pacing Kihyun. "You're just sucking filter at this point."  
  
The van was tucked behind the venue, which did nothing to improve the already sketchy image of an old, rundown, white pedophile van. Jooheon was vehemently against purchasing it for that very reason, but Changkyun was good at listing the practical reasons for the investment. Minhyuk was down for whatever, so as long as they had a functioning vehicle that transported their equipment efficiently. Since most of their equipment was unloaded or on the stage, the back of the van was mostly empty. Kihyun and Changkyun sat in the back, both sitting facing each other with their backs against either side of the inside of the van. The two back doors were wide open to allow air flow, which was much needed given the thick smoke billowing out of Kihyun's lungs when he exhale a hit of the tight blunt Changkyun rolled.  
  
Kihyun coughed, much to Changkyun's amusement, and passed the alpha the still-burning blunt. The beta still coughed as Changkyun took his hit, so he exhaled through a bemused smirk. The alpha clanked his head against the wall, peering at Kihyun through slanted eyes.

"Feel better?" he asked, voice gravelly from the hit. Luckily Minhyuk was the frontman and personality of the band, because Changkyun's voice was shot for the night.  
  
Kihyun nodded. They sat in silence for a whole three minutes, rotating the blunt around until it was nearly spent, until Kihyun spoke up. "Hey, you ever looking for something more?"  
  
Changkyun sighed, looking off into the distance. "It's too early in the night to be asking me stoned existential questions, hyung."  
  
"No, you dick," Kihyun grumbled, "I mean, I know a guy that can give us _more_."  
  
Changkyun and Kihyun did drugs together since high school. They were the first of the group to take up smoking cigarettes. At a house party, someone brought marijuana. Everyone in their group tried it, but only Changkyun and Kihyun took it up recreationally. It wasn't until they all graduated that Changkyun introduced Kihyun to other substances. They always experimented together with drugs. They knew what they were doing was wrong, so they stuck together. They had each other's backs. Whether that was a healthy friendship or not was entirely debatable. No one ever debated it, though. Mostly because no one really knew the extent of their addictive behaviors.  
  
"You know a guy, huh?" The alpha raised his eyebrows curiously and took another hit.  
  
"I don't _know_ him, but I met him. He sells pills. Probably sells other shit too, I dunno."  
  
" _Jesus_ , pills?" Changkyun said through an exhale, causing him to cough. They usually dabbled in psychoactives and occasionally hallucinogens, but never pharmaceutical goods. Admittedly, he was intrigued. "What kind?"  
  
Kihyun nodded and shrugged. "Anything. Bars."  
  
Changkyun thought for a moment as he studied the burning orange tip of what remained of their blunt. "Hm... I could get into it, I guess."  
  
Before Kihyun could reply, the back door of the venue busted open and Minhyuk emerged, shouting "Yo, Changkyun! We're back on in two minutes, man." Upon seeing his two friends, the bubbly beta grinned. "Kihyun, how are you doing, man? Hyunwoo hyung is looking for you!"  
  
Kihyun smiled back, welcomed Minhyuk with their standard handshake/one armed hug greeting, and sent a look to Changkyun. A look that implied they'd talk later. For now, he chatted up Minhyuk and followed the two bandmates back into the venue after Changkyun locked up the van.

Inside, Sneaker Mutiny played the second half of their set. They played a cover of Streetlight Manifesto’s _We Will Fall Together_. The true ska lovers in the crowd raised their glasses in praise, the others just bopped around pretending they knew who the hell Streetlight Manifesto was.

In the poster-littered hallway next to the men’s bathrooms, Hyunwoo whispered thousands of apologies against the pulsing jugular vein in Kihyun’s neck. Kihyun gripped the thick leather of Hyunwoo’s jacket in each hand, intentionally holding the alpha close to him. He didn’t want him to go away. He didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want him to be stolen by some omega tramp. _Goddamn it_ , why couldn’t he have just said that at the time? Like a mature and rational individual. Why couldn’t he just pour his heart out to Hyunwoo, tell him how depressing life was without his alpha around for majority of every week? How much he fucking missed him? Why must the ego always prevail?

Words. Just words. Words, sentences, communication, verbal reasoning. Simple things he did every day. But _no_ , he had to be difficult. Had to lock up his emotions and let them out in uncontrolled, irrational outbursts that did nothing but perpetuate problems. Simply putting a bandaid on a wound didn’t heal the wound, it just sealed in the infection. He owed Hyunwoo a proper apology, he owed Hyunwoo a proper explanation, but all he managed to do with five shots of whiskey and half a blunt in his system was moan breathily in Hyunwoo’s ear as the alpha pinned him against the wall and licked at the scar of his mark, of his bite, of their eternal bond.

They stopped before things got too heavy and decided to watch the last two songs of Sneaker Mutiny’s set. After, Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Jooheon loitered behind the venue while Hyunwoo and Changkyun loaded the equipment into the back of the van. They always made the alphas do the hard labor. They all shared a six pack of beer Minhyuk managed to get from the bar (he went in to apologize to Wheein and somehow charmed the manager enough to earn a six pack of somewhat cold beer). Kihyun definitely didn’t need to drink anything else, but against his better judgement he did anyway. Christ’s sake, he had students to teach in the morning! Unsurprisingly, he puked up his guts twice on the back alley asphalt after three sips, so Hyunwoo confiscated the beer and bid farewell to their friends.

"Let's get you home, sweetheart," Hyunwoo said as he swept up his beta into his arms bridal style. It was nice to feel Kihyun this close in a nonsexual way. The velvet of his skin and the pliability of his form and the invigorating blitz of his tropical, coconutty scent. His beta, his Kihyun.

Kihyun looked up through blurry vision. He grumbled an incoherent response. His head was heavy, so he rested it against the bend of Hyunwoo’s shoulder and nuzzled it like a kitten. "Do I? Have a sweet heart?" he mumbled through a silly, Charlie Brown squiggle grin. He was so vulnerable and transparent, a complete contradiction to his usual guardedness. It reminded Hyunwoo of when they first met, when they were kids, when they were innocent and whimsied by the world.

" _I_ think so," Hyunwoo replied, stressing the ‘i.’ The active noun. Him. His feelings. The alpha building up his beta.

Kihyun erupted into boisterous laughter. Hyunwoo, startled, quirked his eyebrows at Kihyun’s gut wrenching, hiccup-laden gigglefit. "Yours is sweeter. You're the better half," the beta claimed in the peak of each giggle. He was so cute Hyunwoo could hardly take him seriously.

The alpha shook his head. “That’s not true.” Then, in the blink of an eye, Kihyun wrapped his arms around Hyunwoo’s neck loosely and nestled his face in the crook of his neck. Inhaling his alpha’s strong scent, his giggles subsided. His chest still thumped from excitement, but his disposition calmed. For the first time in a while, Hyunwoo felt useful.

“Mm, it’s the truest,” Kihyun muttered as the ticklish fluttering of his diaphragm stabilized. He nipped innocently at the pulse of Hyunwoo’s neck and exhaled his admiration in short breaths. Slowly, his body was succumbing to sleep. With all the alcohol the beta consumed, it was only a matter of time before his body powered him off and went into restoration mode.

+

The cycle restarted. A night of passionate sex paired with biting and bloodplay, no doubt amplified by the events that took place Tuesday night, followed by Hyunwoo’s four day absence over the weekend. Loneliness, depression, anxiety; couping himself up in his apartment despite his friends’ countless efforts to get him out of the house. Out to a club, out to a movie, out to dinner. Just _out_. Even though Kihyun thought he was being slick, thought he was disguising his emotions well, his friends knew. Of course they knew. They were his friends, they could sense his mood dip.

Little did they know he did go out. Dressed in his Sunday worst, he returned to the convenience store at midnight. He twiddled his thumbs anxiously and grinned a lopsided grin when the shadow of the man he came to see entered his line of view.

“Didn’t think you’d come back,” the man, Hyungwon, said. “Did you bring the money?”

Kihyun straightened his posture and tilted his head. “Did you bring the goods?”

Through a pearly white, beta fanged smile, Hyungwon replied, “Of course.”


	2. As The Rush Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the tags. There is drug use, graphic depictions of violence, and abuse in this chapter.

“ _You got bars?_ ”

“Yeah, I said I would,” Kihyun scoffed as he and Changkyun stared at the small bag of Xanax on the coffee table of Changkyun and Jooheon’s shared apartment. Jooheon was out for the better half of the day, so Changkyun invited the beta over.

Each of them sat on either side of the table, Changkyun sitting on his knees and Kihyun sitting criss-cross. The alpha eyed the bag suspiciously as if to scrutinize its authenticity. “Are they fakes?” he asked, to which Kihyun shook his head. Changkyun sighed deeply, like he was nervous, like his stomach was aching from _knowing_ this was wrong. He swiped his sweaty palms on the tops of his thighs. “Dude, don’t those have crazy side effects?”

Kihyun shrugged. “Doesn’t everything?”

“Yeah, but...” Changkyun trailed off as he watched the beta fish a bar from the bag. It was tiny, white, and rectangular with deep imprints that read ‘X-ANA-X 2’ on each side. Having a visual did nothing to soothe his nervous stomach. He collected his thoughts and continued, “...problems sleeping, concentrating, loss of interest, lack of appetite–”

“Sounds like depression,” Kihyun stated matter of factly. “So if it’s the same as depression, might as well feel _good_ and depressed than _bad_ and depressed, huh?”

Still apprehensive, Changkyun sighed, “yeah…” He watched as the beta fished out another bar from the bag. He lined the two of them up parallel to one another; for as small as they were, they looked like two looming towers to Changkyun. “I’m not taking the entire bar. I’m not trying to die today.”

Kihyun shrugged again, maintaining an air of indifference despite the tense aura weighing heavily on them. Changkyun knew the beta could sense that this was too far, that all their drug use over the past years had always been lighthearted and explorative at its core, but this was too far. This was pill popping, this was highly addictive, and this was an entirely different type of escape. Kihyun picked up a pill and held it up to the light shining in through the window, saying, “Suit yourself-”

“I won’t allow you to take an entire bar either,” Changkyun, taking up an alpha tone, felt responsible in this moment; Kihyun had clearly abandoned his good judgement and become a slave to the id of the human psyche. He reached out and physically stopped the beta from consuming the full bar. “We’ll take a quarter and build our way up, okay Kihyun?”

Appalled, Kihyun complained, “Can’t believe you just used your alpha tone on me…” It was instinctually impossible to contest an alpha as a beta. He felt it in his bones, in his rapidly beating heart, and in the tremble of his fingers. Again, his biology betrayed him.

“Shut up,” Changkyun growled, cutting a bar into four segments along the indents.

Then they took them. One bar split into four segments. One segment each, five whole minutes to kick in, marked by an extremely rapid sensation of calmness. Sedation, tranquilization; _the person who invented the word tranquilized was probably on Xanax_ , Kihyun thought. Oh wait, not tranquilized, numb. Yeah, _numb._ Like pins and needles, sleeping limbs numb. Ooh, sleep. Sleep was nice. Sleep was so important. He slept a lot. Sleeping too much wasn’t good. What were the repercussions of too much sleep?

“Hey Changkyun,” Kihyun slurred, “what are the repercussions of too much sleep?”

“Hmm?” Changkyun muttered from his spot on the floor. After the initial onset, he laid flat on his back with his arms outstretched by his sides. He stared at the whipping blades of the ceiling fan.

Kihyun repeated himself, still fixed on finding an answer to his question. He needed to know. It was important. Sleep was important. He was so, so tired. The couch he was laying on was soft, which was a nice feeling. “What are the repercussions of too much sleep?”

Changkyun wiggled his fingers and made minor attempts at lifting his arms. “Dunno but my arms feel heavy. Am I that muscular?” he snickered.

Kihyun’s arms dangled over the arm of the couch as he laid on his stomach. “You’re not muscular,” he deadpanned.

Changkyun full-on laughed, continuing to wiggle his fingers. “Nah, but I am sleepy.”

“That makes no sense,” Kihyun scratched at the leather of the couch for no particular reason other than it felt good. He rested his cheek against a cushion. So soft.

Changkyun perked up. Well, as much as he could on Xanax. “Sleep? Sleep sounds good,” he said as he rolled over onto his stomach and nuzzled into the carpet. It smelled like vanilla and cinnamon, like Jooheon; _oh_ , Jooheon was soft, he’d be so soft to cuddle...

Silence, then a noise from the couch. Kihyun repositioned himself to face the alpha on the floor. “Hey Changkyun? What are the repercussions of too much sleep?” he reiterated, completely unaware of the conversation that took place between now and the first time he asked the question.

Changkyun, also unaware, drifted into a very relaxed, very Jooheon-filled sleep. “Dunno,” he muttered. Why was this scent so appealing? Must be the drugs. Had to be.

Kihyun watched the alpha fall asleep facedown on the floor before drifting off into dreamland.  

+

Finally, the lunch bell rang. Students scattered like ants out of the classroom. He didn’t bring a lunch—just an apple and a snack—so he quickly ate. When he grabbed his coat to go for a walk, a half-empty pack of Marlboro Reds fell to the floor. Ah, yes.

He didn’t often do this, but sometimes Mr. Yoo crept out to the back lot of the school near the basketball courts and auxiliary parking lot to smoke while the students were at lunch. It was a tobacco and drug-free campus, but that never stopped him from sneaking the occasional cigarette break. Interestingly, he used buy marijuana from students—well, before meeting Hyungwon.

It was a blustery afternoon, so he struggled to light the stick even under the shield of his cupped hand. When he finally lit the tip, he stuffed the lighter in his pocket and leaned against the red brick wall.

Some students were playing soccer in a nearby field, so he’d hear laughter every now and then. Otherwise, it was a silent break. Chirping birds, soft laughter in the distance, the release of his smoked-filled exhale. Reprieve.

“Mr. Yoo? Are you smoking?”

Busted.

“Yes,” Kihyun said through an exhale, not looking over. From his peripheral, he noticed it was a younger female student. She carried a backpack and a lunchbox. Her white shoes had green grass stains on them; she must’ve crossed over from the soccer field. Clearly, she was skipping class.

The student tilted her head in confusion. “Aren’t cigarettes bad for you?”

That got Kihyun’s attention. Who was she to be asking a teacher these questions? He tossed a glance her way, clearly annoyed. “Aren’t you skipping class?” he countered.

She gripped the shoulder strap of her backpack with one hand like she was uncomfortable and didn’t make eye contact. She paused a moment, careful of which words to say. There wasn’t a legitimate reason for why she was skipping class, she just didn’t want to go.

Kihyun stared straight ahead to the parking lot. He took another drag and exhaled through his nose. “As long as you don’t skip my class, I don’t care.”

The student nodded. Another pause. Her grip on her backpack strap tightened as she shifted her feet awkwardly. “Why are you smoking?” she asked in a way that revealed how long she’d been wanting to ask.

Kihyun laughed, “because I want to.”

She gulped, still avoiding eye contact. “But they’re bad for you…” she insisted as if she was trying to overshadow her being caught skipping class by calling out Mr. Yoo’s bad habits.

“I’m bad for me, kid,” Kihyun replied with platitude as he continued staring at the parking lot. When he noticed her awkward shuffling, he turned to her again. “Get back to class,” he ordered in a more authoritative voice than the one he’d been using.

+

It had been a month and a half since Kihyun started popping bars with Changkyun. Since they did it multiple times a week, building a tolerance for one segment, two segments, three came quicker than anticipated. He made a routine of traveling to the nearby convenience store every Sunday night to meet with Hyungwon. The guy was just as odd as the first time, not well-versed in normal human interaction (probably because he spent the better half of his life trying to remain under the radar—it was inevitable to grow up weird if the only friends he made were junkies and criminals). Without fail, Hyungwon always brought the goods, and without fail Kihyun paid in full with cash. Even Changkyun threw down a couple bills so they’d get a bigger haul.

Changkyun’s intentions were good: start with a low dose and don’t buy too many at a time so the temptation to indulge wouldn’t be so hard. Logically, all that made sense. But pharmaceuticals were highly addictive, and they caused extreme emotional and physical dependence. Stopping now would only induce awful withdrawal symptoms. Theoretically, they could taper off slowly to wean their body off of the drug. Seemed a bit irrational to stop, though, or at least they couldn’t think up a convincing reason to stop. That was probably their first red flag, but they didn’t realize it at the time.

Still didn’t realize it.  

Kihyun never popped when Hyunwoo was around. He only did it when the alpha was away at work for days at a time. Sometimes he’d crash at Changkyun’s place so they could bump up their dosage and not be interrupted during their high (or low, presumably, given the drug of choice). They couldn’t do it when Jooheon was home (Kihyun wasn’t sure why, but for some reason Changkyun didn’t want the omega to discover them), but at least the three of them could light a blunt and chill in the living room.

There were definitely times when the urge to pop was unbearable and the best place to do it was Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s apartment. The issue was that Hyunwoo was an alpha; he could smell the drugs and he could smell Changkyun. They were friends, yeah, but they were also two alphas. Alphas didn’t take kindly to other alphas intruding in their home when they weren’t around. So they popped in random places like a community park or in the bathroom of a bar Sneaker Mutiny played at or in Changkyun’s car.

Actually, that was their current plan. It was a Friday night and Kihyun had made plans with Changkyun to meet up at the nearby community park to hot-box in the alpha’s car until Kihyun inevitably dug out the small bag of bars. They chose Changkyun’s car because his alpha scent could mask the smell of Xanax much better than Kihyun’s beta scent (plus Changkyun had a better music selection for them to listen to, regardless of Kihyun’s incessant denial of this claim).

Little kids played cheerfully on the playground a short distance from where Kihyun parked. He watched them run and giggle and climb. He always loved children and was always one of the first people of their circle of friends (along with Minhyuk) to interact with kids. It was possible for  betas to reproduce, but society stigmatized anything other than the traditional alpha/omega nuclear family. Kihyun smiled as he watched an alpha male pick up his pup and carry her back to the omega mother. In a better world, that could’ve been Hyunwoo carrying his daughter to his beautiful omega wife.

 _Ringggg~ Ringggg~_ Kihyun’s phone rang. Changkyun was calling. He looked at the time; Changkyun was late.

“So, are you ditching me?” Kihyun greeted as he answered the call.

Changkyun paused, sensing the beta’s irritation. “...yeah, I guess, if that’s what you’d call it.”

“We had plans, so yeah that’s what I’d call it,” Kihyun chided.

“To do drugs, dude. It’s not like a formal obligation.”

“Whatever.”

Through the phone, the beta heard Jooheon talking in the background: ‘ _Is that Kihyun hyung? Tell him I say hi! Hyung, hi!’_ The last part was louder, probably because the omega tried to snatch the phone from Changkyun’s hands (would probably explain the muffled rustling noises too), but to no avail. Just when Kihyun was about to greet Jooheon back, Changkyun said, “Yeah, so, I’m gonna go…”

“You’re ditching me for Jooheon?”

The alpha asserted, “We have band practice. Minhyuk will be here soon.”

Kihyun was more than a little irritated. More than livid. More than he ought to be, honestly.

It was true he had a wicked temper, but why was he so angry now? Changkyun had a history of canceling plans last minute because of band practice; it was only last minute, too, because venues they tried to book gigs at were terrible at communicating. Regardless, Sneaker Mutiny waited with bated breath for a gig confirmation because they wanted the exposure. That was show biz, and it was all pretty rational. Kihyun knew this. Just… he just couldn’t keep his emotions in check. Probably another side effect of the Xanax. Irritability, impatience, lack of self-control. Just more to add to his colorful repertoire of shitty personality traits.

Who knew, maybe it was a repercussion of addiction. Maybe _this_ was the addiction.

Whatever, he didn’t have time to deal with this. He needed to pop. Now. He needed to feel better, now. Now, now, now, _now now now!_

So he did.

Ingested an entire bar. Reclined back into the car seat until he felt his limbs melt into the fabric.

Time felt droopy. Could time feel droopy? He definitely felt droopy.

Wait—could time be felt? Wasn’t that called aging? No, aging was the physical process of feeling time.

But wasn’t _feeling_ implied to be a physical sensation? No, because emotions could be felt. Well, some emotions were physical, or at least manifested physically. Like sadness or anger or arousal.

Wait—how did happiness physically manifest? Smiling? ...was that it? Just smiling?

Wow, happiness was overrated.

+

It was late when Kihyun stumbled through the hallway to his and Hyunwoo’s apartment. It had been a few hours since he popped a Xanax, and he was still feeling the super relaxed muscles and residual drowsiness. He had a splitting headache, too, likely brought on by a rough comedown. A soreness developed in the juncture of his eyebrows where the muscles furrowed together, causing an unpleasant ache between his eyes. He’d been concentrating too hard for too long, which was irritating, the comedown was harsh, which was also irritating; nothing was as irritating, however, as his inability remember where he put his goddamn keys. He practically ransacked his entire messenger bag full of ungraded student papers until he found them. Huffing, he fumbled with the bulk of them at the locked door of his apartment.

The rustle of Kihyun’s keys could be heard from the inside of the apartment, so Hyunwoo, who came home early from work, got up from his spot on the couch to peek out of the eyehole in the door. There in the distorted field of vision of the eyehole, the alpha watched his boyfriend fussing with the lock. When he opened the door, Kihyun doubled forward into his alpha, his face pummeling into Hyunwoo’s sternum. His motor skills were sloppy and his balance was unsteady, so he gripped his alpha’s broad shoulders to stabilize himself. When he looked up, his world spun.

Hyunwoo whirled him against the adjacent wall, slamming shut the door with a kick. Kihyun’s impact was abrupt and painful but paled in comparison to Hyunwoo’s rigid forearm pinning him to the wall at the chest. Kihyun gasped for precious air but found no relief due to the pressure preventing his lungs from fully expanding.

“What the f-fuc—” he wheezed, but the alpha cut him off.

"You smell," Hyunwoo gritted in an angry alpha tone through sharp, fanged teeth. They glistened as he snarled, his lip a nasty curl that created a harsh crease in his face. His eyes were cold and flinty as they scanned Kihyun’s facial expression. He was looking for a bitemark, a scratch, bruises. Someone, _something_ , touched his beta because he absolutely _reeked_.

Kihyun pulled a confused expression. Smell? He wasn’t scented by anyone, was he? Nah, couldn’t be, he’d been at work all day. Couldn’t have been that brat that talked to him during his smoke break… The beta was jolted back to real time when he felt the quivering muscles of Hyunwoo’s forearm and the hot, hot blood surging through the them; he felt the alpha’s speeding pulse and the wetness of his sweat. Physical signs of anger. Together, all of them blasted through Kihyun’s chest like a smoking cannonball. He was rendered terrified, submissive to Hyunwoo’s disillusioned alpha possessiveness.  
  
Still, Kihyun never passed up the opportunity to be sarcastic. Sex, drugs, and sarcasm; his go-to defense mechanisms. "Like citric acid, right? Oh, more like grapefruit?"  
  
Hyunwoo narrowed his eyes as he attempted to discern the smell radiating off of Kihyun's body. Nothing tropical, nothing revitalizing, just a foreign scent; foul, sterile, rotting. The alpha's lips hovered over Kihyun's parted ones, then he withdrew sharply and with a face of disgust. "Like drugs," he said through gnashing teeth.  
  
_Oh._ He was caught. Guess he wasn't trying too hard to hide it, though.  
  
Kihyun scoffed. "Xanax, actually," he clarified it so dryly and factually that Hyunwoo knew he was being mocked, "What're you gonna do about it, _alpha?_ " Overcome by his instincts and operating on belittled pride, the alpha applied more pressure to Kihyun's lithe body, forcing an eruption of coughing and wheezing from the beta. Reflexively, the beta’s nails punctured the rippling muscles in Hynuwoo's shoulders and blood quickly welled in the new dents. The alpha remained unaffected, for an angry alpha was blinded by a hyper-influx of adrenaline and testosterone, and therefore self-perceived invincibility.  
  
Hyunwoo warred with himself. His beta, his _mate_ , ridiculing his very alpha prestige. This was no alpha versus alpha standoff of who had the sharpest teeth or the bulkiest brawn. This wasn't fighting to the death in the name of honor and dominance. That barbarism left bloodied, bruised bodies and deflated egos. This, however, was blatant defiance and disrespect by the person he marked for life. This was a violation of emotions and feelings and memories and love. So Hyunwoo warred with himself. Logic or instincts.  
  
"Gonna scent me? Gonna punish me? How many marks are you gonna leave this time?" Kihyun rasped through oxygen-deprived lungs. He was in pain, Hyunwoo was hurting him, and he could hardly breath. The alpha hardly knew his own strength. Or maybe he did, who knew. Kihyun's vision grew hazy, his limbs pliant; hah, kinda like on Xanax. Maybe this would be the end. With feeble limbs, the beta cupped Hyunwoo's cheek, caressing the prominent cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. "Kiss me." Such sweet words uttered so repulsively.  
  
Hyunwoo stopped. Just stopped. Retracted, withdrew, refrained. He had to stop before before his alpha instincts won. He was better than that, he was better than that, _he was better than that…_

When he withdrew, Kihyun slid down the wall and slumped on the floor. His pretty brown eyes glazed over as he blinked up at his alpha. “Ah,” he laughed, “so you’d rather just fuck me?”

No. Not like this. Never like this.

Hyunwoo’s fingers ached from how hard he clenched his fists. He grabbed Kihyun by the collar of his button up shirt and forced him up; it was terrifying how easily the alpha lifted him from a dead weight on the floor, but not nearly as terrifying as the minimal effort put forth to drag the beta across the house to their bathroom.

Kihyun made halfhearted noises of protest whilst he feebly attempted to wrangle out of Hyunwoo’s grasp. His limbs were still relaxed from the Xanax, his head was throbbing more than ever, and he felt downright degraded by Hyunwoo’s brazen manhandling. When the alpha opened the shower door, he tossed Kihyun onto the tiled shower floor like week-old trash. His ungraceful descent consisted of bone-to-tile impact. He hissed at the pain, hissed at the mistreatment. Fully clothed in his work attire, Kihyun yelled out in protest as Hyunwoo twisted the shower knob. Ice cold water spilled out from the showerhead and immediately raised goosebumps on Kihyun’s skin. He thrashed about listlessly until succumbing to the sobering spray.

“The fuck you doing drugs for?” Hyunwoo yelled from the shower entrance, his white t-shirt partially soaked from tossing Kihyun into the shower spray.

From Kihyun’s angle, Hyunwoo looked so big and so threatening. “I don’t know,” he sobbed, his face falling into his hands. His work shirt was completely soaked, the fresh, dry cleaned starch press definitely ruined. His pastel pink hair darkened from the dampness and drooped over his tear-stricken eyes. He really fucked up this time.

Acting on alpha impulse, Hyunwoo turned towards the bathroom counter and angrily swiped all the skin care products, toothpaste and brushes, cologne, and other toiletries from the countertop; they crashed to the floor in a flurry of destruction, shards of glass exploded across the tile. The clamor startled Kihyun into a state of fear, and even he was disgusted by his own hormonal response; the smell was putrid and distinctly pharmaceutical.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Hyunwoo practically roared, still warring with himself. Logic versus instincts. Always. His heart shattered upon watching his mate bawl, so vulnerable and defenseless but, most importantly, so _guilty_. War: stay angry and abusive or…

The alpha wasn’t abusive… he didn’t mean to be abusive... _Damnit_ , he never wanted to be like this. He just wanted what was best for Kihyun, for his health and happiness. Fucking hormones. Fucking alpha irrationality, always having to overreact. It was in his biology to always overact. The alpha was the leader of the pack, bred to protect, hunt, kill. A monster by design.

“I don’t know,” Kihyun lamented. His voice was an awful rasp. He looked so small and so weak tucked into a fetal ball in the corner of the shower, desperately trying to avoid the frigid spray.

Why the fuck don’t they make hormonal suppressants for alphas?

Logic. Logic had to win. He was better than this.

Silence and sobbing as Hyunwoo shut off the showerhead. Kihyun’s sobbing amplified by the shower echo–the new silence was deafening. The alpha entered the shower cautiously, hating that his mate flinched to second they touched. Gently, he lifted Kihyun’s head to look at him; his face was red and puffy, eyes obsidian black. He refused to make eye contact with Hyunwoo, which stabbed a dagger through his heart.

Hyunwoo pulled his mate into a tight embrace. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Kihyun.” The beta didn’t react. Too many thoughts swimming through his brain. He struggled on which thoughts to say. “Why do you say things like that?” the alpha asked, hurt evident in his tone. “Why do you try to hurt me?”

Again, no response. More crying. More whimpering. More guilt, remorse, regret. Everyone was at fault here. Maybe they knew that, which was why Hyunwoo remained quiet as Kihyun sobbed in his embrace.

He hadn’t held his mate in this way, non-sexually, in over a year. Why did it have to finally happen in a moment like this?

An hour and a half later, Kihyun emerged from their bathroom wrapped in a fluffy green towel. His hair was semi-dry and very feathery, his pale skin dewy and touchable. Even in his current mindset, Hyunwoo couldn’t resist to stare.

“You’re smoking inside?” The beta asked. There was a known rule of no smoking in the house. Granted, Kihyun often violated that rule when he smoked marijuana during Hyunwoo’s work leave, but that was a secret. Besides, cigarette smoke lingered in furnishings worse than weed did.

Hyunwoo was sitting at the circular dining table. He changed into a dry pair of mesh basketball shorts but remained shirtless. An ashtray sat in the middle of the table. “Let’s not have this conversation,” he said as he tapped the tip of his cigarette to remove the ash. After, he made prolonged eye contact with the beta and took a drag. A simple stare said so much.  A pause and an exhale, then he motioned for Kihyun to sit next to him.

Kihyun took the seat across from his mate instead. He dug a cigarette from the pack, tore off the filter, and lit it. They were Camels, not Reds—this wasn’t Kihyun’s pack, this was Hyunwoo’s. Guess the beta wasn’t the only one taking up bad habits in his spare time.

They smoked in silence for a few minutes until Kihyun finally spoke. “So, how was work?”

+

No wonder Hyunwoo had a hard time calming himself down yesterday—his rut came early.

Increased arousal didn’t necessarily represent only an enhanced libido, it also meant a quick, strong reaction to any stimulus whatsoever. During this time, alphas were distinctly more territorial and combative; the primal effects of biology and nature, alphas experiencing a rut had to fend off other alphas to mate. Of course, the implication was that he’d mate with an omega in heat. Fortunately, Hyunwoo was bonded to a beta free of these types of inconveniences, which made coping through his rut much more bearable.

He felt guilty, though, for acting the way he did. Yeah, he was furious that Kihyun was popping pills. Yeah, he was angry the beta would be so reckless with his life. But honestly, he wasn’t shocked. Ever since he met Kihyun, the beta had an affinity for pursuing danger. That was his personality.

It was innocent enough at first. Cigarettes, then marijuana, then who knew what else… Xanax, apparently.

What was the catalyst that bridged smoking pot to popping Xanax? Didn’t people pop pills to dull the pain of their lives? What was so painful about Kihyun’s life? Hyunwoo wished he was more perceptive man...

The guilt worsened. He wished he was around more to hold Kihyun’s hand, to nuzzle him and croon into his neck, to appreciate him like a proper mate. No, he had to stay the better half of a week elsewhere worrying about the safety of others instead of worrying about the safety of his mate. All Hyunwoo wanted to be was the breadwinner, an alpha Kihyun could be proud of. He’d give Kihyun the world if he could. He’d give anything so Kihyun could be happy.

But it was all useless if he couldn’t be around to convey that, and he knew Kihyun wouldn’t even be happy having the world if it meant he was alone.

A knock on the door jarred Hyunwoo out of his thoughts. Apparently he zoned out playing Mario Kart (Kihyun was away at work), and now his kart was spiraling off of the track on Rainbow Road. Whatever, he’ll just restart the race. Another knock on the door caused Hyunwoo to set down the controller in his hand to answer the door.

Hyunwoo leaned against the doorframe as one arm held open the door. He was greeted by a tall, slender man with a handsome face. An overwhelming smell of matcha and citric acid entered his nostrils; organic, fresh, and definitely the scent of a beta. He breathed a few times to extinguish the surge of hormones caused by his rut—he couldn’t tell if his body wanted to growl territorially at the beta or pounce on him until he mewled for more. He dug the heel of his palm into his temple in an effort to stabilize his thoughts and impulses.

“Hi, uh…” the stranger gulped, noticeably uncomfortable by the alpha’s intimidating presence and spicy, ambrosial scent. An alpha during a rut was hard to ignore. “Is Kihyun here?” he continued as he stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his trench coat. He looked like he was hiding something. His mannerisms were choppy.

Hyunwoo examined the sketchy stranger. With each passing second, his alpha impulses were  steadily progressing in a hostile, territorial direction. The stranger’s scent became less appealing and more noxious. "He's not here," he stated bluntly. “Who are you?”

“A friend,” the stranger said without missing a beat, almost like he’d rehearsed for a scenario like this several times before. He chuckled stiffly and scratched the back of his head. "Didn't think he would be. I don't usually stop by." He flashed a charming smile and, turning to hastily leave, he said, “It was nice meeting you.”

Hyunwoo stepped out beyond the door frame. His eyes were cold and flinty like the night with Kihyun before, his blood raced, his muscles tensed. Whoever this stranger was asking to see his mate was not a friend; as far as the alpha was concerned, he considered the beta a threat. Effects of his rut or not, the anger from last night swelled, this time with a menacing intensity.

"...you his dealer?" Hyunwoo called out as the beta walked away.

The stranger stopped. He paused momentarily, then slowly tossed a glance over his shoulder. Playing coy, he asked, "Why? Looking to buy?"

That was it—the confirmation he needed, the identification he needed. This skinny stranger was definitely the motherfucker dealing Xanax to his mate. The problem. The source. Hyunwoo lunged towards the beta, grabbing him roughly by the thick collar of his trench coat and slamming him into the concrete wall of the hallway. Not only was Hyunwoo an alpha experiencing an unexpected rut, but he was a large man in general. When he hit, he did damage. The back of the beta’s head crashed against the unyielding wall, the impact causing his brain to rattle within the confines of his skull. Definitely a concussion because his vision was spotty and there was a blaring ringing in his ears. He blinked repeatedly in an effort to correct his vision but that just increased the vertigo.

“The fuck you doing showing up at my door? How did you find this place? You deal to him _here_?” Hyunwoo growled with an alpha tone, face just centimeters from the beta’s. Dazed, the dealer fixed his gaze on the alpha but said nothing. He was having a hard time processing the words shouted at him, almost like a delayed cognitive response despite the deafening volume. When the beta finally replied, his speech was slurred and incoherent, which did nothing but further rile up the enraged alpha. Hyunwoo continued to yell as he ripped the countless bags of illegal drugs tucked into the numerous pockets of the dealer’s trench coat. Pills, powders, leaves scattered the grimy hallway floor as the bags burst open upon hitting the ground.

Residents of the apartment complex hid in their apartments, and the ones in the parking lot refrained from entering the hallway. Maybe it was the bystander effect, or maybe no one wanted to interfere because no one wanted to be a casualty. Even if someone called the police, they wouldn’t do much; it was commonplace to witness an alpha act out during their rut, and for some reason it was socially acceptable to let alphas do as they pleased. Another outdated law derived from antiquated, supposed biological superiority.

“Hyunwoo! Hyunwoo, stop! Stop it!”

A familiar voice. A beautiful voice. Hyunwoo turned towards the voice, relenting slightly upon seeing the horrified expression on Kihyun’s face. Huh, he came home early. Dropped all his bags of groceries so now all the food was strewn about the hallway haphazardly. Looked like he was going to lunge forth in a rage or drop to his knees in anguish. Either way, tears prickled in the corners of his pretty brown eyes.

“Stop! Stop!” Kihyun cried out, tears streaking his face.

It was enough for Hyunwoo to release his grip on the dealer and step back. That was the first time he really processed what he’d done. The dealer fell to the floor unceremoniously, head lolling to the side as he finally slipped into the unconsciousness of his concussion. Hyunwoo looked down at his hands; they were shaking from adrenaline.

Kihyun ran over to check on his dealer, Hyungwon. He didn’t move so Kihyun panicked. His dealer was at his apartment. His dealer met Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo knocked him unconscious. That meant Hyunwoo knew who he bought bars from and physically harmed him. Oh fuck, how was he gonna get his drugs now? Hyungwon was his only source. His supply was already so low, how was he going to get more? He needed more!

Like always, he lashed out at Hyunwoo. He pummeled several fists into Hyunwoo’s chest. He didn’t hit hard, it wasn't meant to hurt the alpha, it was just a way to channel his panic. Hyunwoo, finally coming to his senses, grasped Kihyun’s wrists to cease the flurry of punches. He pulled his mate into his chest and wrapped his arms around him tightly as the beta cried. He whispered ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’ too many times to count, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I just worry about you and I couldn’t contr—”

Kihyun looked up at him. “I-I think we should break up...”


	3. Lonely

Since the breakup, Kihyun stayed out at Minhyuk’s place.

What was supposed to be an overnight stay turned into days of coerced funtime. It wasn’t all bad—admittedly, it was refreshing—but prolonged exposure to all the people and places and things was overwhelming. Social interactions and friendships were natural mood boosters, truly, but his anxiety was bound relapse; any period of improvement was inevitably doomed to deteriorate. If Hyunwoo couldn’t save him, he’d just pop another Xanax instead.

That was toxic thinking. It was his own fault Hyunwoo got too overprotective and beat Hyungwon to a bloody pulp. It was his own fault Hyunwoo was forced out of their apartment. It was his own fault his loneliness increased exponentially in his mate’s absence. It was his own fault he called Minhyuk at three in the morning sobbing because he _‘wasn’t sure if he could do this anymore’_ high out of his mind on a bowl of marijuana and the last two and a half remaining bars he had left.

Minhyuk didn’t know about that last part. About the drugs. Kihyun said his eyes were red and glossy because he stayed up late grading exams. There was a lot of crying, too, because of Hyunwoo and because the beta impulsively ingested the rest of his stash. With Hyungwon out of action, how was he going to get more? Now he actually had nothing.

He lied to his best friend a lot that night, but at least the crying wasn’t a lie.

It was a Friday night. Minhyuk got off of work early and Kihyun’s days were over by two o’clock anyway, so the blonde suggested they spend the night out at a club dancing. It was true that Kihyun liked to dance, but he was going to spend most of his night anchored to the bar slamming down shots. Dull the pain and try not to think too much about how badly he wanted to pop, and how desperate he was to get _more._

Minhyuk invited Jooheon and Changkyun to tag along, but Jooheon was working and Changkyun declined. Come to think of it, he hadn’t spoken to Changkyun since the alpha canceled their plans. If Kihyun was good at anything at all, it was holding grudges.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Minhyuk shouted from his spot on the floor. He was laying on his stomach working on his latest project: a gaming computer with all the elite specs; it was currently just several pieces of plastic and metal scattered about his bedroom carpet.

From inside the adjacent bathroom, Kihyun’s reply was muted from the splash of water streaming out of the sink faucet onto his head. “You say that, but—”

“And if I say it, it must be true, right?” Minhyuk chimed, chin cradled in his palms as he wiggled his eyebrows at no one in particular. No response, just running water. He twisted in a screw with a flathead screwdriver, thus successfully assembling the casing of the computer. With care, he installed the rectangular, green and copper motherboard.

“No,” Kihyun deadpanned. His hair was sopping wet, so he dried it with a towel; the strands stuck up at funny angles as he stared at himself in the mirror. He sighed as he fluffed his newly-dyed hair. Definitely wasn’t bubblegum pink anymore. This new color made him look… _harder?_

Minhyuk, refusing to cave into Kihyun’s naysayer attitude, lilted a ‘ _come ooooon~_ ’ He was removing the processor from its plastic packaging when Kihyun stepped out of the bathroom. When he looked up, his mouth dropped open. “Whoa, _black?_ ”

“Yeah. Looks good, huh?” Kihyun said with confidence, but Minhyuk’s unreadable facial expression caused him to falter. He gulped. “It _does_ look good, right Minhyuk?” he asked, nervously smoothing the stray hairs with his hand.

Minhyuk sat up on his knees. “Yeah, dude. Relax, okay? This is supposed to be fun, remember?”

“Is it? I feel like I’m dying,” Kihyun laughed, now rubbing at the back of his head. Nervous habit. Really though, was he actually dying? God, this headache was terrible. When did it even start? Felt like a century ago. Probably from the insomnia, maybe the constant lightheadedness. Ugh, so the withdrawal symptoms were kicking in already? It had only been four days!

Kihyun stared at his overnight bag in the corner of Minhyuk’s room; a tiny bag of marijuana was in the front compartment stuffed into a sock for disguise (and to throw the scent, too). Maybe he could smoke a blunt before the club? Just one. Just to soothe his pain. Real quick. It’ll be so quick.

His paranoid eyes darted to Minhyuk as the other beta fetched a pair of checkerboard, slip-on Vans from the closet. This was his opportunity… Now or— _nah,_ Minhyuk would definitely notice. Plus, the smell would linger. He sighed, shoulders deflating. Minhyuk didn’t really have a lot of vices. When he drank, he drank heavily, but that was it. He didn’t indulge like Kihyun or Changkyun. Kihyun would never forgive himself if he turned Minhyuk on to his bad habits.

Minhyuk smoothed the wrinkles in his slightly oversized, white t-shirt. Kihyun squinted at the other. Had the boy ever heard of ironing? “Hey, you ready?” the tall blonde asked as he tossed on a black jacket with large, silver buttons. It matched the black skinny jeans he was wearing, though they had too many rips and holes for Kihyun’s preference.

“Yeah,” Kihyun mumbled, slipping a red Supreme hoodie over his black undershirt. He wore denim shorts that cut off just above the knee and blue, red, and white checkered lowtops on his feet. His high socks were striped with the same shade of red as his hoodie. When he checked his appearance in the mirror, he was suddenly reminded of how much Hyunwoo liked him in red.

The jingling of a pair of keys in the background pulled Kihyun from his negative thoughts. Minhyuk was already waiting at the door with his keys in one hand and his phone in the other. His thumb tapped rapidly as he texted someone—someone who was apparently _very_ awesome because Minhyuk’s face was a literal smiley face.

“You’re dragging me to a club because you’re meeting someone there and don’t want to look as thirsty as you actually are, aren’t you?” Kihyun quipped as he stuffed his wallet and phone into his pockets.

“What? No. I mean, I _am_ meeting someone there, but you’re my friend and you come first,” Minhyuk pouted. “I’m taking you out with me because it’s not healthy for you to stay in all the time,” he added, voice soft. He stopped Kihyun with a palm. “If you’re left alone with your thoughts you’re going to start thinking you’re an awful person. I don’t want you to ever think that.”

Kihyun stared at Minhyuk’s hand. _That_ was random, and the words cut a little too deep. Was his self-loathing that overt? He wasn’t that transparent, was he? Kihyun scoffed. A heaping dose of paranoia to slowly chip away at his alleged improvements, his pisspoor attitude. Ah, it was only a matter of time before anxiety reared its ugly head. He cocked an eyebrow. “Reading up on psychology in your spare time?”

Minhyuk’s demeanor shifted to something cautious. “Changkyun suggested we read social science literature so we can write better lyrics.”

“Ah.” Kihyun pushed passed Minhyuk’s hand. No budge. His cheeks were hot; his jaw clenched. What was this all about? “Maybe stick to pop culture, huh?”

“Did something happen between you and Changkyun?”

“What are you? My mother?” Kihyun fussed, irritated. Why was this happening right now? His head still throbbed from withdrawals, the floor was spinning, and all he wanted to do was imbibe on alcohol to suffice for his lack of pill popping. Sensing Kihyun’s ambiguous aura and abnormal scent, Minhyuk relented, his features soft with compassion.

The tension between them subsided, yet now Kihyun felt guilty for raising his voice at his friend. Minhyuk was just trying to help. Fuck, another thing to obsessively overanalyze. Seconds scraped by before Kihyun swallowed his pride and offered the blonde a half-smile. “You better buy me a round of shots after interrogating me like this.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I will,” Minhyuk said, grinning. “A round of tequila for you~”

Kihyun grimaced, sticking his tongue out. “If you love me at all you _will not_ buy me tequila.”

+

It had been a very long time since Kihyun went to a club. Four, maybe five years?

Honestly, he didn’t have too many fond memories of clubbing—a lot of obnoxious lighting with a lot of plastered strangers keen on bursting personal bubbles in the name of a good time. He never considered invasion of space a ‘good time,’ but his opinions were as fleeting and as unreliable as the faces he saw there. Most of that was attributable to alcohol and other stimulants, which were notoriously favorite pregaming pastimes, of course.

But that was a habit he shared with Changkyun, not Minhyuk. He was here with Minhyuk, not Changkyun. More importantly, he was a newly-single addict with severe anxiety sitting alone at a bar teeming with extroverted eroticism and overpriced cocktails.

The blinking neon sign of the club caught Kihyun’s attention: The Tin Box. A hipster club recycling old school, 1980s industrial-esque techno as modern day New Wave. It had the dark, edgy look with gothic style furnishings and extra large posters of Bettie Page framed in avant-garde, silver metal. The bar looked like something whimsical and terrifying plucked out of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The liquor bottles tucked neatly in the cast iron shelves behind the bar looked like fancy potion vials. It was actually really, really cool, but Kihyun would never admit that.

As he sat at the bar, body tense and rigid as the smell of a nearby alpha clogged his nostrils, Kihyun remembered two very important things: his anxiety was too wicked to allow him pleasure amidst a sea of shitfaced clubgoers, and smoking a blunt in Changkyun’s good company always took the edge off. Sitting in the heart of the hustle and bustle where not even the booming bass of electronica could drown out the feminine moans of an omega damsel sucking face with a drunken beta way out of her league made Kihyun very aware of all his edges. And all of his sharp, dangerous edges were made sharper from unwanted sobriety.

Speaking of... “ _Hey,_ bartender! Lemon martini,” he shouted as he held up a folded ten dollar bill.

The bartender nodded in acknowledgment. The black haired beta smushed his cheek with his palm as he watched his friend make a fool of himself on the dancefloor.

People like Minhyuk—effervescent, sociable, attractive people like Minhyuk—had no problem meeting new people. They’d only been there for twenty minutes, and he already managed to make a gaggle of friends. Betas weren’t supposed to make friends so easily (being neutral was boring, right?), but Minhyuk was too goddamn likeable. In high school, Kihyun hated that about his friend. It wasn’t until he was older and started teaching high schoolers himself that he realized it was just jealousy.  
  
All his self-help books said jealousy was a complex emotion. It wasn’t. It was as simple as fear, as rage, as humiliation. These were consequences of being alive. These were all contributing factors to the burden of adulthood. What was _actually_ complex was the manifestation of these factors. Minhyuk, he channeled everything into something positive and productive, like building a new computer or playing music with friends. Kihyun, he channeled everything into counterproductive quick-fixes. Loneliness and drugs and masturbation and anger; a lot of self-loathing, an occasional mind-blowing fuck.

 _Chirp~_ What? Oh, his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket. Changkyun.

 **[Kyunnie] 23:26:** Ki, what are you doing tonight?

 **[You] 23:27:** I’m out.

Three minutes passed. _‘Kyunnie is typing…’_ Nothing. Another four minutes passed. _‘Kyunnie is typing…’_ again. Nothing.

 **[You] 22:34:** ??

 **[Kyunnie] 23:36:** I’m almost out of… you know. Was wondering if you wanted to take the last few with me?

_Yes! Yes, please! More, more… It had been so long. Four days was too long._

**[You] 23:38:** Nah

Kihyun shoved his phone into his pocket. He wanted to take Changkyun up on his offer so bad. He could use the time to apologize for fiending for a fix instead of respecting the alpha’s friendship. But he hated being wrong, and his fragile pride forbid him from being the better man. Hah, better man! Changkyun already assumed that role; Kihyun shut him down. The claws of jealousy captured him once more, trapping him in his self-constructed cage of counterproductive quick-fixes and self-loathing.

“Lemon drop martini?” The bartender shouted, so Kihyun flagged him over. He nodded a thanks and sipped his drink. His lips puckered at the sourness, so he licked the sugar crystals along the rim to balance the taste.

“Ki~ Please come out and join me!” Minhyuk pleaded as he approached his friend. He was slightly sweaty and stunk of a million different scents. Kihyun pulled a face of disgust. Was he even aware of how many alphas were out there scent-marking his unassuming beta ass? Eh, that was none of Kihyun’s business, so he replied by simply sipping his martini and staring. “Come on! It’s fun~” Minhyuk pleaded again ever so persistently as he tugged at a wrinkle on Kihyun’s hoodie.

“I just got my drink,” Kihyun protested. “What about that person you were meeting here?”

“I want to spend time with my friend!” Minhyuk declared, pleading with his eyes.

Taking another sip of his lemon martini, Kihyun asked, “She’s not here yet, is she?” Minhyuk’s silence was the only answer he needed. Smirking, he added, “I’m fine here.”

“I’m fine with him being here too.” A flirty voice from the side said, garnering the attention of both betas. Kihyun raised a scrutinizing eyebrow. An omega? Speaking up like that? The omega’s eyes glimmered under the purple mood lighting of the bar; a mysterious and sensual aura drifted over him, and Kihyun was immediately bewitched. “I’m Jaehwan.”

Minhyuk glanced at Kihyun while Kihyun made heart eyes at Jaehwan. It was truly a dumbfounding situation because Minhyuk had never pegged his friend to go for an omega. Kihyun always went for alphas and occasionally crushed on assertive betas, and omegas and passive betas were seen more as competition than the endgame prize. But hey, maybe this was the rebound Kihyun needed to cope through his break up with Hyunwoo. Something vivacious and docile and _different:_ an omega.

“Are you going to tell me your name, or am I just going to have to call you ‘beautiful’ for the rest of the night?” Jaehwan purred as he honed in on Kihyun’s coconut scent. He tugged at his lower lip suggestively as he savored the tropical aroma from the black haired beta.

Kihyun turned his back towards Minhyuk to physically cut him out of the scene. Simpering, he replied, “You can call me Kihyun, but I wouldn’t mind the latter either.”

+

Dejected.

Kihyun made Hyunwoo feel a lot of things before, but never dejected. At least, not like this.

Not to the point of slinking into a bar at midnight on his first day off after working 96 hours at the firehouse. He went somewhere familiar—the bar Jooheon bartended at—because he was a creature of habit, after all, and switching up his routine too much was gratuitous. Besides, he could just go home. Kihyun kicked him out, so he was staying at a cheap motel with itchy sheets and no hot water. If he went back to the motel, he’d stew in his depressing, rut-laden thoughts until he became an uglier, angrier version of himself. Probably jerk off to quell the burning desire in his loins, only to remain unsatisfied.

Only one person could fix everything. Funny how the root of his pain was the solution to it.

A bell jingled when Hyunwoo pushed open the door, signifying a new patron had entered the establishment. It was a musty bar with stale cigarette smoke stagnant in the air. The wood of the tables and bar was old, so the decay of wood added to the smell.

It was the oldest bar in town. A lot of locals rallied together when the city threatened to bulldoze it in favor of erecting a new strip mall; whoever said humans weren’t sentimental was a dirty liar. (Jooheon was in the rally to preserve the old bar, but mostly because that meant he’d get to keep his job).

Jooheon looked up from wiping the bar top to greet the incoming patron. His eyes immediately softened when he recognized Hyunwoo’s familiar face. “Hyung! Hey, how are you?”

“Jooheon,” Hyunwoo greeted softly, almost absently, “hey.” When he took a seat at the bar, Jooheon clapped a hand on the alpha’s shoulder, smiling. The omega was always so warm and inviting in a way unique from Minhyuk but just as genuine. Hyunwoo really liked that soft comfort.

“What are you doing here?” Jooheon inquired, already grabbing a glass to get Hyunwoo a drink. It was almost barclose, but he was more than willing to make an exception for his friend. He turned to pour a glass of Hyunwoo’s favorite beer from draft, but the alpha cleared his throat to get Jooheon’s attention. Looking down, Hyunwoo said ‘whiskey.’ Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. Whiskey? _For Hyunwoo?_ That man was as predictable as politics; Jooheon was blindsided by that request.

Then he noticed it: Hyunwoo’s angst pummeled him like an avalanching anvil, anchoring him down to the splintered remains of dignity and hope. The broad shouldered, mighty alpha was actually a trembling pup without his mate. Jooheon could _feel_ Hyunwoo’s heartbreak. In a soothing voice, Jooheon said, “Give me a few minutes to close. I’ll make you a drink, hyung.”

Like the well-trained, finely disciplined firefighter he was, Hyunwoo sat with rigid posture alone at the bar as Jooheon ushered off the remaining drunken patrons and cleaned tables. The bar music was still on—ska music like the tunes Sneaker Mutiny played. Hyunwoo wasn’t good with band names, but he remembered the trio played a cover of this song—what was it called again?

“Rude and Reckless, the Slackers,” Jooheon answered the question bouncing about the alpha’s mind. He smiled when Hyunwoo shyly smiled; did Hyunwoo really not know how obvious he was when he was thinking hard? Maybe he never thought of it before, but for some reason Jooheon found it cute and endearing. Wait, why was he having thoughts like this? He never thought of Hyunwoo in this way before, and in a time like this? What was wrong with him...

After the omega poured a double shot of Jameson into a rocks glass, no ice, and slid it over to Hyunwoo, Hyunwoo swirled the amber liquid around in the glass and stared at it blankly. Jooheon chuckled. “Is now the time to ponder whether the glass is half full or half empty?”  

Hyunwoo suddenly stared at the omega. “Drink with me, Jooheonie.”

+

He wasn’t sure where Minhyuk sulked off to, but he didn’t really care either. Kihyun learned a lot about Jaehwan in the two hours they talked: he was a pastry chef, he was married, and he was an addict. Didn’t bother removing his wedding band, said the gold ring was a lure for alphas who got off on fucking another alpha’s spouse. Also said he wasn’t mated, so the ring didn’t count. The similarities their situations was almost comical—how they were looking to fuck strangers despite legal and/or biological bonds elsewhere. The irony was laughable.

Four drinks in, and the pain was dulling. Six drinks in, and Kihyun managed to get sucked up in Jaehwan’s infectious personality and incredible charm. On the seventh drink, when his lips were a breadth away from the omega's, when he was _tasting_ the other’s alcohol-laced exhale, when he got lost in the event horizon of Jaehwan’s gaze, he was too far gone to escape.

He wanted to snort the omega’s honeysuckle scent off his naked body like a trail of cocaine; he wanted to devour his moans as they fucked each other’s pain away.

“Hey, do you know Molly?” Jaehwan slurred as he tapped the pocket of his jeans. Confused, Kihyun looked at the omega with a puzzled face. “ _My friend_ Molly knows how to have a good time.” It wasn’t Jaehwan’s words that clarified the euphemism, but rather his smirk. The epiphany dawned upon Kihyun like a smack in the face— _Oh!_ Ecstasy! A psychoactive pill that granted delusions of stilted euphoria; hollow pleasure and fake empathy.

Body slumped against the bar with his chin in his palm, Kihyun crooned. “Is she as friendly as you?”

+

The whiskey bottle was nearly empty. _Shit,_ he’d have to inventory out the bottle on his next shift. Couldn’t be bothered with it now because the room was a little spinny, and Hyunwoo was the only constant preventing him from vertigo. It was hot, too, like humid hot with clammy palms and sticky sweat. Was it the heat or the alcohol that made his skin so rosy? Or was it something else?

For some reason, Jooheon said, “You smell different, hyung.”

And for some reason, Hyunwoo slammed back the final shot, rasped at the sting in his throat, and asked, “What do I smell like?”

Jooheon was oddly focused because his sense of smell was keener than usual. When he honed in on Hyunwoo’s scent, he sucked in a deep breath as a blush roused his cheeks; bergamot and spiced citrus never smelled so delectable… since when did he find Hyunwoo delectable? Jooheon gave in to introspection as he attempted to untangle his thoughts from his emotions, but all he did was cast a demure, adorably flustered demeanor to a riled alpha.

It was common knowledge that ruts were harder to suppress when under the influence. Whether under the influence of alcohol or hormones, it made no difference. Biology took advantage of lapses of judgement. “You too,” Hyunwoo whispered, eyes analyzing the way Jooheon nipped at his bottom lip nervously.

“Huh?”

With more confidence and authority, Hyunwoo repeated it. “You smell different too,” he stated, and that was when Jooheon noticed the shift in energy and presence, the glimmer of lust in Hyunwoo’s gaze, the overwhelming assault of bergamot and spice enveloping him—the alpha was beckoning the omega. Jooheon, body scorching hot, felt weak at the knees. The mating ritual had begun.

“Fuck…” Jooheon groaned, still battling logic. He was foolish to think rationality could defeat biology. No mating ritual, no bond, was more powerful than one between and alpha and an omega. His body was made to accommodate an alpha, and being in the presence of an alpha such as Hyunwoo was making him sickeningly feverish. But he didn’t feel for Hyunwoo in this way, and he knew Hyunwoo didn’t feel for him either.

This was the ugly consequence of biology and nature.

Jooheon leaned over the bar top so he was mere inches from Hyunwoo’s face. “Hyung, are you—” Say it, say it! _Are you on your rut?_ Say it! “—y-you smell so good…” he moaned, lips parted and glistening as he succumbed to the spiced bliss of Hyunwoo’s alpha scent.

Hyunwoo sat rigid and stared at Jooheon’s aroused features. He was fucking gorgeous, truly, but this wasn’t right. Why was this happening? Sure, Joohen was an omega but he’d spent years in Jooheon’s presence without _this_ situation ever happening. He balled his fists to fight back his primal instincts, but Jooheon’s sexy mewls proved to be a challenge. Fuck, why was his body reacting in this way? Why was—“Jooheon, are you in heat?” Hyunwoo asked with an unexpected alpha tone.

“ _Holy shit,_ ” Jooheon never knew an alpha tone to be so fucking erotic. “Ah, yeah… I guess? I wasn’t until you got here…”

It all made sense. Hyunwoo’s rut expedited Jooheon’s upcoming heat. Like a game of Domino, one tipped tile initiated a snowball effect, until one-by-one all the pieces fell. The integrity of conscious will faltered in the face of biological adversity.

They _needed_ to fuck.

+

Kihyun kinda sorta _definitely_ ditched Minhyuk.

Wasn’t really his fault, though. How could he be accountable for himself when he had seven cocktails and a tiny pink ecstasy pill in his system? A man experiencing the synaesthesia of _tasting_ the color blue—the exact shade of baby blue Jaehwan was wearing—was not to be held responsible for such social courtesies as saying goodbye to friends. Besides, Minhyuk busied himself with the pretty brunette beta he introduced as Bora.

Kihyun didn’t want to be a bother. Felt a little guilty, though.

But _wow,_ Jaehwan was so soft and so warm. Were people usually _this_ warm? Was this was it was like to touch an omega? No wonder people went crazy for them! So warm, so sweet smelling, so malleable and bitable and doe-eyed and affectionate. Even the rancid smell of old seat cushions and pungent tobacco smoke in the taxi cab on the way to Kihyun’s apartment dissipated under Jaehwan’s sweet honeysuckle scent.

When they kissed, it was magic. Soft and breathy like in a porno, except no one was taking control. It was a passive kiss leaving each to crave authority from one another. Given their dynamics, it was assumed Kihyun would be the dominant partner, but Kihyun was in no way dominant. He had to be dominant in every aspect of his life, but he didn’t have to be dominant in sex. He didn’t want to be.

As he sucked on the tangy residue of ecstasy off of Jaehwan’s tongue, Kihyun realized the mistake he’d made.

 

 


	4. I'd Rather Go Blind

A distance of two centimeters had the power of sabotaging a lifelong friendship. 

Jooheon couldn’t forgive himself for giving in like this. He always imagined his first time with an alpha being much more  _ amicable. _ Actually, he always pictured his first time with Changkyun. He was so good at repressing his feelings, religious about taking his suppressants, and avoiding the sultry way Changkyun occasionally looked at him. Just because he was good at hiding his feelings didn’t mean restraining them wasn’t painful; they existed whether he ignored them or not. 

Hyunwoo had the omega pressed against the wall of liquor behind the bar, muscular thigh wedged between Jooheon’s legs. They kissed until their lips were swollen, but it never felt right. Hyunwoo’s touch made his body sing, but they weren’t the right notes. Only one person could make him reach the highest octaves, sing the perfect melody. 

“I-I can’t do this… I don’t want to do this,” Jooheon said as he pushed Hyunwoo away. 

_ I don’t want to do this.  _ Something about nonconsent was a major turn off. At least with Jooheon, it was. Jooheon, an omega. Hyunwoo, an alpha. Even with such distinct roles, Hyunwoo couldn’t quite pinpoint who actually was the nonconsenting party. He retracted despite every fiber in his body screaming at him to obey his biology.  _ Mate, mate, mate. _ A pouty, drunk omega ripe for the taking.  _ Mate, mate, mate. _ A pretty little omega hot, wet, and ready to milk his throbbing knot. 

Gritting his teeth, Hyunwoo slammed his fist on the bartop. He knew this feeling all too well. This wasn’t right. Not in the same way it was with Kihyun, in a dubious predicament that ended with reluctant consent. They were bonded. They wanted each other. This alpha and omega push-pull was nature’s bittersweet coercion. Yet both, no matter how different, made him feel the same guilt. Either way, he was the aggressor. Either way, it happened because of  _ him. _

Hyunwoo sighed. “Jooheonie, go home.”

+

Hyunwoo didn’t even have to be near Kihyun’s apartment door to smell the noxious scent of an omega—someone new with a foreign scent that roused the alpha possessiveness inside of him. With his fist, he pounded the door so loudly the reverberation on the door bounced off the walls of the interior, spooking Jaehwan from the sheer power. Jaehwan broke from Kihyun’s lips with a pop and propped himself up by his elbows; every fiber of his body was telling him to flee. Safe to say, Jaehwan’s panicked expression was a real turn off for Kihyun. Even the shiny, wet kisses on the omega’s chest from where Kihyun ripped open his button-down shirt and licked the tasty skin beneath did nothing to turn him back on. Fucking Hyunwoo ruined yet  _ another _ good thing.

His eyes rolled nearly to the back of his skull from how absolutely  _ annoyed  _ he was about Hyunwoo’s intrusive banging, Kihyun abandoned Jaehwan on the couch to open the door. Hyunwoo stormed in, drunk and horny, to find a very bothered Kihyun staring at him with his arms folded. Hyunwoo sniffed the air, instincts wrought with jealousy as he followed the scent trail until he found the beta’s latest fuck—a pretty boy omega saturated in Kihyun’s scent. 

Despite all the anger boiling within him, Hyunwoo didn’t project it. Truth be told, looking into that scared omega’s eyes knowing he, too, got to see how fucking beautiful Kihyun was when he was happy made Hyunwoo so weak and so vulnerable he nearly dropped to his knees in tears. No one else was supposed to see his mate that beautiful. No one else was supposed to make his mate that happy. Those sexy sighs and those shiny, swollen lips were  _ his _ to swallow,  _ his _ to taste. He was supposed to be the reason for that pleasure, not some random omega. 

Hyunwoo couldn’t look at the omega. He couldn’t look at Kihyun. He couldn’t even speak. He knew Kihyun fucked around like this when they took these stupid, immature breaks. The pain of knowing they happened got easier through time. Bearing witness to it was entirely different, though; he’d rather go blind than to ever see  _ this _ . Seeing the love of his life fuck someone else obliterated his perception of love, his self-love, and any confidence he had in himself because he clearly wasn’t good enough. For someone like Kihyun, beautiful and perfect Kihyun, his mate and his livelihood, the alpha would never be enough. 

For some reason, Kihyun wanted more of a reaction. Anger. Yelling. Crying.  _ Something.  _ Anything to let him know that his mate  _ cared. _ Yet he said nothing, just stared at Kihyun with that same dumb, blank face he always did. Why the fuck didn’t he care? All Kihyun wanted was to create a reaction. Fuck this omega, he didn’t even want him. He wanted his alpha to lash out again, to protect his honor and claim back his mate. Why wasn’t that happening? Why was there nothing but silence? Why?  _ Why? _

Perhaps Kihyun should’ve been more specific about his questions, because soon the silence was filled with his heavy, guttural crying. Tears soaked into his hoodie as he hung his head in despair. Hyunwoo’s fingers twitched like he wanted to console his sobbing mate, but his fucked up self-esteem assured him Kihyun didn’t want anything to do with him. While the two were distracted, Jaehwan took the opportunity to gather his shit and leave out the still-open front door. 

Against his better judgment, Hyunwoo fell back into that familiar routine of comforting his selfish mate. He pulled Kihyun into his chest and embraced him as the beta soaked his shirt with tears. Arms still crossed as Hyunwoo held him, Kihyun buried his nose into his alpha’s chest and breathed in his comfortable, spicy scent. Except his scent was tainted somehow, perhaps with something sweet. Like honey? Wait, he smelled like  _ Jooheon _ . Jealous, Kihyun roughly shoved Hyunwoo away, causing the alpha to stumble back. 

Face red and glossy and swollen from crying, Kihyun yelled, “Did you fuck Jooheon?” 

Hyunwoo, shocked, stared at Kihyun. He searched for the answer on Kihyun’s tear-stained face, but all he found was fabricated emotion in dilated pupils. “Are you high?” he accused. 

Kihyun sneered but denied nothing. Hyunwoo’s momentary compassion collapsed. Heartbroken, the alpha abandoned the situation and charged into their old bedroom to rummage the dresser for his clothes. He needed to channel his emotions towards something else. Besides, last time they saw each other, he left in such a rage he left behind many of his personal belongings. He was running out of laundry money washing the same t-shirt and shorts all the time; fortunately, firefighters had a simple, straight forward uniform or he’d be too broke to eat. 

As the alpha collected his personal effects, Kihyun walked solemnly into the bedroom and loitered at the perimeter cautiously. Each time Hyunwoo moved, Kihyun stepped closer to him. Hesitation made his feet heavy. Cowardice caught his tongue. He nervously plucked the dead skin from his fingertips as he practiced the right words to say, but Hyunwoo beat him to the punch.   
  
“Even now you’re high?” Hyunwoo asked calmly, but the tone pulled Kihyun’s heartstrings. He turned to face Kihyun. “On what?” 

Kihyun didn’t answer. He stood there silently, feeling hollow. The sadness persevered, even on ecstasy. Tears distorted his view of Hyunwoo, and it was only then that Kihyun realized he was crying again.   
  
"Are you just going to follow me around, or are you going to say something?" Hyunwoo practically growled. "Say something, Kihyun,” he commanded in his alpha tone.   
  
Kihyun’s lips trembled as he mouthed the words. His mind was writing a novel, but his lips omitted every crucial detail. "Please take me back,” he muttered, tears streaking his face.   
  
It was the same problem he always had—it was so hard being mad at someone so fucking beautiful. Crying yet so fucking beautiful. The cheating bastard, still beautiful; the liar, still beautiful. Before logic won, Hyunwoo lunged at Kihyun, capturing his lips in a searing kiss as he shoved him roughly against the wall. Kihyun cried louder, and Hyunwoo couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad tears so he pulled Kihyun closer and swallowed each hiccup. 

Kihyun's fists bunched the fabric of Hyunwoo's shirt, simultaneously pushing the alpha away and pulling him closer. After everything that happened, this wasn’t what he wanted, yet it was the only thing he ever thought of doing. It worked, their harmful pattern. Avoiding issues was a form of handling issues, right? Smothering himself in Hyunwoo’s grasp to become so unrecoverably enraptured he’d be momentarily okay. All the self-hate and autophobia ousted by the suffocating love of another. Love.  _ Love. _ Love or codependency? Love or separation anxiety? 

Belligerent, Hyunwoo grabbed Kihyun’s arms with an innate desire to control those lesser in power and status. He ripped the beta’s shirt off, aggravated at its hindrance; he needed to feel Kihyun’s exposed skin and lick the warm pulse of blood underneath the thin flesh. His fingers so cruel on Kihyun’s body they left red marks; his lips and teeth aggressive and sharp, splitting chapped lips in their reckless abandon. Kihyun felt small and defenseless as Hyunwoo ravaged him. 

Ruts were not romantic. Kihyun didn’t deserve romance. 

He deserved punishment. For everything bad he did. For everything bad he will inevitably do. 

Hyunwoo shoved Kihyun down to the bed, the beta’s teary face pushed into the mattress by an aggressive hand as his hips were yanked up, his spine strained in a deep arch. After the alpha fumbled with Kihyun's zipper, he hastily pulled the beta’s pants and boxers down to mid-thigh, too impatient to properly remove the clothing and just enough to expose that perfect ass. The abuse, the mistreatment— _ fuck, _ if Kihyun were an omega he'd be so fucking wet he wouldn't need any prep. If Kihyun were an omega, his ass could swallow up every swollen inch of Hyunwoo’s alpha knot. Face flushed red, he turned on his cheek to the side to finally breath. When he heard Hyunwoo unzip his pants fly, he moaned in anticipation. 

"You gonna fuck me raw?" Kihyun challenged as he glanced up at his alpha through his peripheral. Hyunwoo said nothing, just pulled his half-hard dick from his jeans and flopped the hot flesh into the cleft of Kihyun’s ass. Hyuwoo’s rut-induced adrenaline thrummed through his fingertips, leaving every place he touched on Kihyun’s naked hips searing hot. The beta moaned again, loud and slutty just the way his alpha liked it, and instinctively grinded against Hyunwoo’s throbbing cock. "Ah!  _ Please? _ " he begged, that feisty tone from just seconds ago already forgotten in the heat of the moment. 

“You fucking slut, talking like you can take my dick,” Hyunwoo taunted as he slapped his cock on Kihyun’s ass a few times to physically emphasis his words. Kihyun’s cute, little whimpers sent blood rushing to his cock. He hiked up the hem of his shirt just above his navel. 

“Please, baby,  _ please, _ ” Kihyun begged as he swiveled his hips teasingly against Hyunwoo’s hardening dick. He reached an arm around and grabbed his asscheek, spreadinghis ass to expose his hole. When he heard Hyunwoo’s low groan, he whined, “Please punish me with it.” 

“Fuck, Ki...” Hyunwoo sighed. He spat on the tight muscle, then licked his thumb to coat it. As he stroked his cock in one hand, he rubbed Kihyun’s saliva-coated hole with the thumb of the other. Too eager to tease, he pushed his thumb in. 

Kihyun moaned and pushed back, driving Hyunwoo’s thumb in deeper. “I’m so bad to you, don’t you want to hurt me? Make me sorry. I deserve it,” the beta moaned. He fucked himself on Hyunwoo’s thumb, loving how Hyunwoo grew more intense, more impatient with each thrust. He shoved Kihyun’s face harder into the mattress and withdrew his thumb; when Kihyun pouted, he pushed the head of his dick shallowly into the muscle. Kihyun subconsciously spread his cheek farther apart, hips antsy as he desperately tried to impale himself on his alpha’s cock. More.  _ Now. _

Spitting into his hand, Hyunwoo slicked the shaft his cock as he continued to torment Kihyun with the swollen head. During ruts, alphas produced higher volumes of precum, thereby self-lubricating their enormously enlarged dicks for their mates. This was especially true for alphas who were bonded, as biologically they have a consistent partner to mate and theoretically reproduce with. In other words, Hyunwoo’s massive alpha cock, already starting to bulge at the base, was slick enough to ram into Kihyun’s tiny, beta ass. Kihyun might not be as stretched open as needed, but this wasn’t the first time his dirty mouth got him in trouble. 

He snapped his hips sharply, filling Kihyun with his entire length. Kihyun gasped; it had been so long since they actually fucked, let alone during Hyunwoo’s ruts. Feeling so full, it was both painful and pleasurable. But the way the alpha pumped his hips with no mercy, Kihyun knew he wouldn’t be permitted any time to adjust. Why would he? This was his punishment, wasn’t it? He deserved this pain. Oh fuck, he deserved this pain. 

The air was soggy with body sweat and carbon dioxide. It felt heavy on his skin, but the smell was invigorating. Made him think of high school, back when they first experienced puberty and the physical symptoms of their dynamics were fully realized. They fucked like the horny teenagers they were. Hyunwoo used to be gentle because he was uncomfortable with wielding alpha abilities. Now as an adult, now as he inexhaustibly pinned his mate to the bed, he embraced his sexual power.  

Kihyun’s voice reduced to a strain rasp as he could do nothing but take Hyunwoo’s dick. He reached his other arm around to grab Hyunwoo’s forearm, grip so tight that his fingernails dug into the tan flesh and thin streams of red covered the skin. When the alpha groaned at the sensation, Kihyun scratched down his arm, again leaving tiny trails of red in their wake. Hyunwoo’s breath hitched as the intensity of his thrusts increased. Embodying his instincts, Hyunwoo twisted out of Kihyun’s grip and folded the beta’s arm behind his back, pinning it between his shoulder blades as the alpha hovered over top. Nose buried in the beta’s hair, Hyunwoo inhaled that sweet coconut scent. He licked the sweat on the nape of Kihyun’s neck, tongue swirling over the scar tissue of their soulbond. 

Kihyun whimpered. Fuck, he could never get used to the utter euphoria he experienced when those scars were touched by Hyunwoo. Mentally, emotionally, and physically euphoric. Tears pricked his eyelashes from the pleasure. No, no no no. He didn’t deserve pleasure yet his body refused to listen to the self-destructive thoughts of his damaged mind. “Mm, mark me. I only belong to you. Show everyone I only belong to you,” he rasped. 

Hyunwoo growled. Hearing shit like this during his rut was dangerous. His body’s hormonal desire to conquer, claim, and mate drove him crazy, but not as crazy as Kihyun’s sexy as fuck dialogue. Almost as quickly as the words left Kihyun’s lips, Hyunwoo obliged. He bit into the side of his beta’s neck, teeth puncturing effortlessly into the soft flesh and burying deep into muscle. Blood the color of burgundy wept from the wound and trickled down Kihyun’s neck, shoulders, the dip of his spine. 

Kihyun moaned loudly, definitely from pain, but his heart swelled with the satisfaction of being claimed, wanted, and loved. Hyunwoo thrusts slowed but were sharper, deeper as he lapped the blood from Kihyun’s shoulder blade. He released his hold on Kihyun’s arm in favor of stroking the beta’s aching dick. Kihyun’s cute hiccups always gave away how close he was, so Hyunwoo jerked him in his calloused hand as he groaned into Kihyun’s shoulder. The alpha was close too, so so close. 

Overcome with emotion, tearing foggy his vision yet again, the beta cried, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I love you… do you love me?” His tone was fragile and breathy. 

“Fuck, of course I love you,” Hyunwoo replied, and Kihyun came almost instantly all over his hand. The alpha groaned at the way Kihyun’s hole spasmed around his cock when he came. When the base of his cock swelled tighter, he knew he was near orgasm. The electrifying sensation boiling in his lower abdomen forced him to pull out prematurely. Groaning, Hyunwoo stroked his cock to orgasm, cumming on Kihyun’s back in thick, pearly ropes. Ruts notoriously produced a lot of ejaculate, but the beta always liked being coated in it like the cumslut he was. 

After ejaculation, the base of his alpha’s cock swelled to nearly three times the size. Knotting, they called it. Supposed to lock his dick inside his mate to ensure reproduction. Knots could last up to twenty minutes after ejacualtion. Taking a knot was incredibly painful for anyone except an omega. Omegas were made for alphas, or at least that’s what high school health and sex education taught him. 

Kihyun plopped to the side, back sore from the cramped position and ass in pain. He was covered in blood, sweat, and cum. Staring at Hyunwoo, he managed a half-smile. “That knot is always so hot.” 

Despite riding post-orgasmic waves, Hyunwoo couldn’t help laugh. His knot kept him horny and flustered for the entire duration as nature’s way of suggesting round two. Kihyun was an absolute mess that required dressing his bite marks, but the lust in his gorgeous brown eyes was  _ insatiable. _ “You don’t know when to quit, do you?” Hyunwoo smirked. 

Kihyun battled his body’s soreness to shift his position. Fixating himself at crotch level, he flicked his tongue out at the alpha’s throbbing knot. “No, Mr. Fireman~” 

Four rounds. They went four rounds before Hyunwoo drew the line. Hyunwoo utilized his size and strength advantage to defy Kihyun’s sexy pleas and haul him into the bathroom to wash up and dress his wounds. After, they laid in bed with their legs tangled in the sheets. They hadn’t fallen asleep, so the sunrise greeted them with a lovely pink glow as it poked through the gaps in the blinds. Kihyun rested his head on his alpha’s chest, fingers playing with the hairs on Hyunwoo’s arm. Domesticity. Saturday mornings like this were the stuff of Kihyun’s high school dreams. 

One arm hooked under the pillow below his head, Hyunwoo ruffled Kihyun’s sweaty hair. “Black hair? Makes me think of high school,” he commented.

Kihyun turned his cheek to frown at the alpha. “Are you saying I look like a teenager?”

“I’m saying you look like the boy I fell in love with in high school,” Hyunwoo mumbled, unexpectedly shy in the delivery of his words. The adorable grin on Kihyun’s face made him shyer, as if he didn’t spend the night fucking the beta into the mattress. He stroked Kihyun’s face gently just to see if he could make that charming smile come out again. 

Kihyun laughed, face pink. “Yeah? Well, same.”

Hyunwoo laughed too. “I haven’t changed much.” It was true: black hair, athletic build, and plain white t-shirts. Same old Hyunwoo. 

“Yeah. Keeps things convenient,” Kihyun teased. 

+

Changkyun scratched the dirt in the grout of the tiled bathroom floor with the tip of his chipped fingernail. At some point, he wound up on his hands and knees with his head in the toilet, body sore from heaving up the contents of his stomach. After a while, he got used to the sourness in his mouth and the burn in his esophagus. He couldn’t, however, get used to the explosive force of each heave. After six times, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever stop puking. 

Kihyun should’ve agreed.  _ He should’ve. _ If he did, Changkyun wouldn’t be like this. He wouldn’t have finished his whole stash. He wouldn’t have bought  _ more. _ Not from Hyungwon, but from one of his guys. Apparently Hyungwon wasn’t just an independent dealer, he was involved in something much  _ bigger _ . And as a guy involved in something bigger, his supplies were more exhaustive. Smooth and silver-tongued, Hyungwon’s guy asked if Changkyun ever snowcapped anything. So, instead of leaving with just a bag of weed, he left with cocaine too. 

All the cilia in his throat burned after the first hit. A smoke cloud, white and dense, smoldered the enclosed atmosphere. The erratic flutter of his diaphragm caused Changkyun to panic, or maybe that was the drugs? The unusual tremble in his hands tipped him off to the fact that, yeah, it was probably the drugs. He convinced himself he felt fumes seeping out of each and every pore of his body. 

Was the apartment always this quiet? Did everything always smell  _ exactly _ like Jooheon? Warm, sweet honey dribbling in thick, syrupy droplets, like honeycombs were nestled in each corner of the apartment in some sort of tantalizing, cruel tease. If Jooheon wasn’t here, why was the smell so strong? It was… it was so  _ agitating. _

Changkyun withdrew from the toilet and slumped to the side by the bathtub. The cool porcelain soothed his elevated body temperature. He relaxed. Combined with Xanax, snowcapped marijuana made him feel everything all at once—alert, sedated, hyperaware, drowsy, but most noticeably  _ alive _ . Too alive. Blood pumping in arteries alive. Tachycardia alive. Dulled nerve endings alive. Grey matter, synapses, neurotransmitters alive. Very,  _ very _ alive. 

_ Ah, _ focus. 

Breath. 

Inhale. One… two… three… four… Exhale. 

Alive. Heart rate two hundred beats per minute. Tachycardic. 

Focus. Breath. 

Inhale. One… two… three… four… Exhale. 

Cold water neutralized the flush on his cheeks as it splashed upon his face. He was draped over the side of the bathtub, torso hovering over the shallow pool of water in the tub. The tiny hurricane of water in the drain was mesmerizing, calming. Orderly. Less chaotic. His heartbeat slowed. 

Mmm. Honey? Fragrant, sultry. Where? The towel? He buried his nose into the towel, Jooheon’s towel; the terricloth tickled his nostrils. Honey. Spiced honey. His accelerated heart rate achieved a steady rhythm. Breath. Inhale, exhale. One, two, three, four. Inhale Jooheon. Exhale Jooheon. So pungent, potent. Honey dripping into his pores where the fumes escaped, engorging him with omega energy and flooding the ribcage chasm of his alpha weaknesses. 

Changkyun wasn’t the type of alpha to flaunt himself like a peacock in the presence of potential mates. He wasn’t some stupid, instinct-riddled alpha like Hyunwoo. Whoa,  _ what? _ Since when did he feel aggressive towards Hyunwoo? He was closer to Kihyun, but he never felt hostile to the other alpha. Oh. The  _ other _ alpha. Absorbing all this omega energy triggered his alpha instincts. Was he feeling… threatened? No, competitive. Protective. Spiced honey was his delicacy, not Hyunwoo’s. 

Fuck, he had to calm down. He floundered out of his precarious position over the bathtub and lunged at the bong he left on the tile by the toilet. Hah, he only took two hits. The ‘snow’ was opalescent and shimmered atop the mound of green, and when it met heat it sizzled in a colorful flame that was most definitely not natural. His lungs inflated to maximum capacity, and,  _ ah, _ it hurt. Stung. He could feel his cells dying; lung tissue necrotizing. Another white smoke cloud filled the room. 

His sense of smell diminished considerably, yet he could still the omega’s scent in his bones. Sticky honey drenching his bone marrow and making him sickeningly sweeter. Changkyun flopped back, back against the side of the tub, legs parted at the knees, hands covering his face to pop the pressure in his skull. His dick was half hard in his pants, but he genuinely wanted to ignore the bloodrush. He wanted to disassociate arousal from drugs. 

If he wanted to fuck Jooheon, it would be because he wanted to, not because the drugs wanted to. His thoughts perverted him, and try as he might to resist them, thinking about knotting Jooheon was better than his drug-addled reality. Fuck Kihyun; doing drugs alone wasn’t fun. 

“Ah, Changkyun? A-are you home?” Came Jooheon’s slurry voice in the distance, but Changkyun heard it clear as a bell. Then,  _ that _ smell. So potent. Jooheon was  _ here. _

“Yeah. Bathroom,” Changkyun replied. He knew when Jooheon approached the bathroom door because the smell was so intoxicating he felt he was suffocating. God, was his scent always this strong? He pressed his face against the door, saturating his mind and body with Jooheon’s mere presence. The omega’s scent went straight to his dick, fogging his thoughts with crass images and possessiveness. Those troublesome alpha urges resurfaced with a fiery passion. 

Joohwon fidgeted, then swallowed his nerves. “I-I just wanted to tell you… that I… I, um, I like you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Every day. And—” Jooheon sighed, because  _ damn _ when did it get so hot in this apartment? “And I—wow, I’m sorry, I-I think I’m in heat. I’m… I know I’m irrational right now.” He was just about to leave for his bedroom because the liquor and his heat were making his head spin, but the door unlocking made him stay. 

Changkyun shot to his feet and ripped open the door, hooking Jooheon by the collar and shoving him against the bathroom counter. He pressed himself against the omega, relishing in his flustered, shocked noises. He pinned the omega there with his hips as he shamelessly breathed in that spiced honey scent that’d been driving him wild with lust for the past forty minutes. Jooheon instinctively pushed back against Changkyun’s transgressions. The alpha growled, licking the throbbing pulse of Jooheon’s carotid in a display of dominance.  

“I can’t be trusted with you like this,” Changkyun groaned, fingers gripping Jooheon’s hipbones possessively. The heat of Jooheon’s body confirmed every thought Changkyun had just moments ago; the omega, _his_ omega, needed an alpha, and he chose Changkyun.   
  
As Changkyun littered the omega’s neck in wet, open-mouthed kisses, Jooheon mewled. “I’ll tell you to stop before you knot,” he breathed as he instinctively rolled his hips to the rhythm Changkyun established. He felt the overwhelming, natural desire to be pinned down and taken.   
  
Smirking, Changkyun said, “you know it doesn’t work like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated ♡ Follow me on [Tumblr](http://dirtyretrowrites.tumblr.com/)! 
> 
> Special thanks to silentterror for her support ~


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